An Engineer's Guide to Cats

Hello.

My name is Paul.

This is my assistant TJ.

And, yes, we are both professional engineers.

(gong)

(gong)

The purpose of this presentation is to educate engineers and the general public

about cats.

It is widely known that cats are attractive creatures that can provide many hours of entertainment.

But it's not all just fun and games.

Having cats in your home also entails a certain amount of responsibility,

and, depending on the number of cats you have, there might be some social implications.

If you have one cat,

you're just a guy who has a cat.

This is Oscar.

If you have two cats, well, the two cats are friends, so they can keep each other company.

Ginger.

When you have three cats...

And Zoe.

You start to get to be that guy

who has all those cats.

Cats come in a variety

of shapes, sizes, and colors.

Zoe measures 17 inches by 10 inches,

which gives her an aspect ratio of 1.70, and a large internal volume.

Oscar measures 19 inches by 8 inches, for an aspect ratio of 2.38,

that gives him less wind resistance and superior leaping capability.

Ginger's compact size makes her easy to handle,

and also allows her to fit into tight parking spaces.

The basic necessities that cats need are food and also water.

Fortunately, like most engineers, cats are pretty much willing to eat the same thing

day after day after day.

But since we all know variety is the spice of life,

it is good to try something different

from time to time.

Good toast.

For this reason, I occasionally offer my cats something that they seem to love

even more than life itself: Tuna.

(excited meowing)

Tuna is pretty much like cocaine for kitties.

You know, guys, the first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one.

Besides eating, it is good for cats to have some sort of hobby or pastime.

For example, Zoe is an accomplished marathon lounger, and spends many hours each day

in a rigorous lounge training schedule.

Here she exhibits a traditional feline slumber position, and with this anchor technique,

she makes clever use of the Earth's gravitational field to keep herself firmly attached

to the floor of my living room.

Ginger likes dancing, including Classical, tap, and ballet, but she also likes to get down

with the more modern type of club dancing.

(beatboxing)

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Shake that booty.

Yeah.

Oonch-ooonch-oonch-oonch.

Oscar's hobby is feline art,

with his favorite genres being postmodern cardboard deconstruction,

floral arrangement regurgitation, and rotational forms of performance art,

which also helps with regurgitation.

Oscar and Ginger will sometimes combine their effors, as with this collaborative

low-energy cardboard performance art,

and Zoe will often provide feedback as an art critic.

(Rex Tremendae from Mozart's Requiem)

Her brutal honesty also gives Oscar the opportunity to practice

his martial arts skills.

CHORUS: Rex tremendae maiestatis.

PAUL: Another activity that cats and humans can enjoy together

is something called the

"I'm not paying any attention to you" game, which can last for hours.

Here's Ginger and TJ going head to head, trying to not pay attention to each other.

TJ is making good use of his opposable thumbs to try to distract Ginger,

using the dead bird simulator cat toy.

This annoys Ginger, and she boycotts the game.

Young male engineers will be familiar with this game, as they often use the same technique

to attract the attention of ladies.

MALE VOICE ON RADIO: Oh, baby, baby, baby.

Notice TJ using the same characteristic sideways glance, and a similar level of annoyance

on the part of his opponent.

MALE VOICE: No, no, no!

PAUL: Next we must address a difficult topic:

Disciplining your cats for bad behavior.

Any unwanted behavior should be dealt with in a kind and loving manner.

For this reason, I use a method

called "corporal cuddling".

(meow!)

(meow!)

(meow!)

(meow!)

While this may appear cruel and unusual, or perhaps just a bit weird,

it really does not harm the cat, yet is still sufficiently annoying.

A similar technique is used for a new form of artistic expression:

Cat yodelling.

(meoww-oww-oww-oww)

(meow!)

(meoww-woww-wooww!)

(meoww-woww-woww)

Finally, we would like to address the role of cats in the 21st Century.

In this day and age of Global Warming and the need for renewable forms of energy,

it is our belief that cats can provide a practical benefit with their natural

static electricity characteristics.

TJ and I have been experimenting with methods for tapping into this natural source of power

by combining cats, balloons, carpeting, rechargeable AA batteries, and duct tape.

We've tried different variations by matching larger volume balloons to Zoe,

and more slender balloons to Oscar,

but so far our testing is inconclusive.

Several details that still need to be resolved include cat motivation problems

and a potential incompatibility between cat claws and balloons.

(pop!)

We hope you've enjoyed this presentation, and with an increased understanding of cats,

perhaps you will consider bringing one into your life, if you've not done so already.

Indeed, cats are wonderful animals that will provide many years of companionship and love,

even if you are a regular person,

and not an engineer.

(spacy electronic music)