"Stumbling towards intimacy": An improvised TED Talk

[This is an improvised talk (and intro)

based on a suggested topic
from the audience.]

[The speaker doesn't know
the content of the slides.]

Moderator: Our next speaker

(Laughter)

is an incredibly experienced linguist

working at a lab at MIT
with a small group of researchers,

and through studying our language
and the way that we communicate

with other people,

he has stumbled upon
the secret of human intimacy.

Here to give us his perspective,
please welcome to the stage,

Anthony Veneziale.

(Applause)

(Laughter)

Anthony Veneziale: You might think
I know what you're going through.

You might be looking at me
here on the red dot,

or you might be looking
at me on the screen.

There's a one sixth of a second delay.

Did I catch myself? I did.

I could see myself before I turned,

and that small delay creates
a little bit of a divide.

(Laughter)

And a divide is exactly what happens
with human language,

and the processing of that language.

I of course am working
out of a small lab at MIT.

(Laughter)

And we are scraping
for every insight that we can get.

(Laughter)

This is not often associated
with a computational challenge,

but in this case, we found
that persistence of vision

and auditory intake

actually have more in common
than we ever realized,

and we can see it in this first slide.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Immediately your processing goes to,
"Is that a hard-boiled egg?"

(Laughter)

"Is that perhaps the structural
integrity of the egg

being able to sustain
the weight of what seems to be a rock?

Aha, is it in fact a real rock?"

We go to questions when we see
visual information.

But when we hear information,
this is what happens.

(Laughter)

The floodgates in our mind
open much like the streets of Shanghai.

(Applause)

So many pieces of information to process,

so many ideas, concepts, feelings,
and, of course, vulnerabilities

that we don't often wish to share.

And so we hide,

and we hide behind what we like to call
the floodgate of intimacy.

And what might that floodgate be holding?

What is the dike upon which it is built?

Well, first off

(Laughter)

we found that it's different
for six different genotypes.

(Applause)

And, of course, we can start
categorizing these genotypes

into a neuronormative experience
and a neurodiverse experience.

(Laughter)

On the right-hand side of the screen,

you're seeing spikes
for the neurodiverse thinking.

Now, there are generally only
two emotional states

that a neurodiverse brain can tabulate
and keep count of at any given time,

thereby eliminating the possibility
for them to be emotionally, sometimes,

attuned to the present situation.

But on the lefthand side, you can see
the neuronormative brain,

which can often handle
about five different pieces

of emotional cognitive information
at any given time.

These are the slight variances
that you are seeing

in the 75, 90, and 60 percentile,

and then of course
that dramatic difference

of the 25, 40, and 35 percentile.

(Laughter)

But of course, what is the neural network

that is helping to bridge and build
these different discrepancies?

(Laughter)

Fear.

(Laughter) (Applause)

And as we all know, fear
resides in the amygdala,

and it is a very natural response,

and it is very closely linked
with visual perception.

It is not as closely linked
with verbal perception,

so our fear receptors
often will be going off

in advance of any of our cognitive usage
around verbal and words

and cues of language.

So as we see these fear moments,

we of course are taken aback.

We stumble in a certain direction,

generally away from the intimacy.

(Laughter)

Now of course, there's a difference
between the male perception

and the female perception

and of trans and those who are in between,
all of those as well,

and outside of the gender spectrum,

but fear is the central
underlying underpinning

of all of our response systems.

Fight-or-flight is one of the earliest,

some say reptilian,
response to our environment.

How can we disengage or unhook ourselves
from the horns of the amygdala?

(Laughter)

Well, I'd like to tell you
the secret right now.

(Applause)

This is all making much,
much too much sense.

The secret lies

in turning our backs to one another,

and I know that that sounds
absolutely like the opposite

of what you were expecting,

but when in your relationship
you turn your back to your partner

and place your back upon their back,

you eliminate visual cues.

(Laughter)

You are more readily available

to failing first,

and failing first

far outweighs the lengths we go to

to appeal to others,

to our partners, and to ourselves.

We spend billions and billions of dollars

on clothing, on makeup,

on the latest trend of glasses,

but what we don't spend
money and time on

is connecting with each other

in a way that is truthful

and honest

and stripped of those visual receptors.

(Applause)

(Laughter)

It sounds hard, doesn't it.

(Laughter)

But we want to be aggressive about this.

We don't want to just sit on the couch.

As a historian said earlier today,

it's important to get up
and circumvent sometimes that couch.

And how can we do it?

Well yes, ice is a big part of it.

Insights, compassion, and empathy:

I, C, E.

(Applause)

And when we start using this ice method,

well, the possibilities become
much bigger than us.

In fact, they become smaller than you.

On a molecular level,

I believe that that insight

is the unifying theme

for every talk you have seen so far at TED

and will continue as we of course embark

on this journey here on this tiny planet,

on the ledge, on the precipice,

as we are seeing, yes,
death is inevitable.

Will it meet all of us at the same time

I think is the variable we are inquiring.

(Laughter)

I think that timeline gets a bit longer

when we use ice

and when we rest our backs
upon one another

and build together,

leaving behind the fear

and working towards

(Laughter)

-- they'll edit this part out --

a ripened experience of love,

compassion,

intimacy based on a truth

that you are sharing from your mind's eye

and the heart that we all can touch,

tactilely feel,

have maybe potentially a mushy experience

that we don't just throw out
because it is browned,

but let us slice in half
the experience we have gathered,

let us seed what the heart, the core,

the seed of that idea in each of us is,

and let us share it back to back.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)