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- From the developer known
for a bunch of games
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that are almost Dungeons and Dragons
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comes the second great take
on D&D this year
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and the most accurate D&D
video game to date
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because the main characters
are a bunch of horny losers
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that can't seem to do anything right.
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Baldur's Gate 3.
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Experience the buggiest open-world
game on the market
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until two weeks from now,
when Starfield comes out
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as you journey once more
into the world of Faerun,
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a magical land of fantasy,
where everyone wants to [bleep] you,
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including all the perverts in your party,
the sexy wildlife --
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but mostly your own dice.
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Other than that though,
Faerun isn't too different
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from the real world
because everyone needs
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a long rest and has
a serious case of brain worms.
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Search the land for a way to get rid
of the worst hitchhiker of all time,
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a wriggling mind flayer tadpole
that got plopped into your peeper,
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which you have to fight
against the influence of
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while trying to figure out
how to remove it
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from your brain without dying
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as your quest to pluck it out
has you trying everything
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from homeopathic druid medicine,
to Githyanki torture chambers,
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to just picking up a drifter
and letting him go to town
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on your face with an icepick.
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Why can I not summon health insurance?!
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[Inaudible] your way through
every fantasy ride you start
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with a robust character creation system
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that, like D&D itself,
lets you create whatever
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freak of nature your brain can conjure --
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so long as it has
one of six genitalia options.
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Then decide whether to be a brain,
an athlete, a basketcase,
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a princess, a criminal,
or someone who's completely
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[bleep] useless.
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- [Inaudible]
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The Breakfast Club.
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- After which, you'll level up
with powerful new tadpole skills
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and an impressive case
of not beating them
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and therefore joining them
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by using the parasites in your head
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to learn stuff like "push"
and "migraine"
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as all your companions tell you about
how bad of an idea it is
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to listen to your literal dark passenger.
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- I think we should resist these powers.
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There are simply too many
unknowns for us to risk it.
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- But you can always just peer pressure
into going full slug-mode with you.
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Come on, Shadowheart!
Embrace the worm!
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All the cool kids are doing it!
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- Well... perhaps you have a point.
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- Gather up your intrepid adventurers
in single-player mode
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like a team of sexy Pokémon
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and use their combined skills
like you would in real life,
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trying to have conversations
that don't end in death threats,
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then once things inevitably
go off the rails,
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try to remember all your different moves
as you shove, stab,
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and magic trick your way
through the incoming hordes.
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- A legion, Michael.
- Hmm.
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- [Inaudible] for money.
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- And if that doesn't work,
you can cast the strongest spell
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in the game -- save scumming.
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Wait, it's been two hours
since I remembered to save?
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What kind of game makes you
manually save in 2023?
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Once you've decided to give up
on babysitting a bunch of NPCs,
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bring your real life D&D group
into the virtual world
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and watch them make
the same infuriating choices
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that they do IRL,
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steal all the loot for themselves,
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and pick the most bonkers dialogue options
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just to see if they can make you
actually explode for real.
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Hey, if you're lucky,
this'll go exactly like
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an actual tabletop session
and everyone will make excuses
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to bail out of the campaign
after a couple weeks for some reason.
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- [Inaudible] everything
we've been looking for.
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- Go up against the scariest enemy
of the game --
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the U.I. --
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with so many inventories to manage,
that it feels like looking
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at a Candy Crush level,
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tooltips on tooltips on tooltips,
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and row after row
of skills and spells
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to make you just shrug
and use whatever's in your hand
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at the time.
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What?
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[Inaudible] Excel sheets
in the middle of a war zone.
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So grab a 20-sided die
and get ready to roll
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the most nat ones
you've ever seen in your life
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in a truly massive gaming experience
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that will appeal to both old
and new fans of the series
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thanks to its intriguing story,
fun characters,
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and thrilling battles,
all coming together
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to make an impressive approximation
of a real D&D campaign
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run by the worst DM
in the entire [bleep] world.
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Starring:
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Emily the Strange,
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Devil May Thighs,
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Crank 2: High Voltage,
But With Magic,
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Gethin' Busy,
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I can't believe this sparkly twink
rejected me,
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Wyll Nye the Demon Guy,
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Papa Bear,
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the MVP of celebrity
video game VAs,
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and whatever your specific fetish
happens to be.
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Baldur's Game 3:
Critical Hole.
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Casuals have sex with a bear.
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Real gamers seduce the emperor
of the mind flayers.
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Comment below on what you
want to hear in my epic voice
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and check out these other
epic gaming videos on GameSpot.
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They mostly come at night. Mostly.
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Don't call me Ratatouille.
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How many Lowe's
could Rob Lowe rob
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if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's?
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How's about maybe a thanks
for saving you from what appears to be,
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I don't know, some kind
of sci-fi sideburn dimension?
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I'm rotating a ferret.