Simon Sinek - Understanding Empathy

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so I'm embarrassed that I have a career

I talk about things like trust and

cooperation and there should be no

demand for my work but the fact of the

matter is is there is demand for my work

which means that there's an opportunity

it means that trust and cooperation are

not yet standard in our organizations

and yet they should be and we know that

which is why we're looking for ways to

bring those things to our organizations

so I thought I would do something a

little different today you know when

you're speaking to tens of thousands of

people and you have the opportunity to

share a message of course most rational

people would say let's go with something

I've talked about lots of times and I'm

really good at but I'm not normal so I'm

gonna do something completely new and I

hope this works out there are two things

that I think that great leaders need to

have empathy and perspective and I think

these things are very often forgotten

leaders are so often so concerned about

their status of their position and

organization they actually forget their

real job and the real job of a leader is

not about being in charge it's about

taking care of those in our charge and I

don't think people realize this and I

don't think people train for this when

we're junior our only responsibility is

to be good at our jobs that's all we

really have to do and some people

actually go get advanced education and

so that they can be really good at their

jobs accountants or whatever right and

you show up and you work hard and the

company will give us tons and tons of

training how to do our jobs they'll

shows how to use the software they'll

send us away for a few days to get

trained in whatever it is that we're

doing for the company and then they

expect us to go be good at our jobs and

that's what we do we work very hard and

if you're good at your job they'll

promote you and at some point you'll get

promoted to position where we're now

responsible for the people who do the

job we used to do but nobody shows us

how to do that and that's why we get

managers and not leaders because the

reason our managers

micromanaging us is because they

actually do know how to do the job

better than us that's what got them

promoted really what we have to do is go

through a transition some people make it

quickly some people make it slowly and

unfortunately some people will never

make that transition at all which is we

have to go this through this transition

of being responsible for the job and

then turning it to somebody who's now

responsible for the people who are

responsible for the job and as I said

before one of the great things that is

lacking in most of our companies is that

they are not teaching us how to lead and

leadership is a skill like any other is

a practice' balloon able skill and it is

something that you work on it's like a

muscle if you practice it all the days

you will get good at it and you will get

to become a strong leader if you stop

practicing you will become a weak leader

like parenting everyone has the capacity

to be a parent doesn't mean everybody

wants to be a parent and doesn't mean

everybody shouldn't be a parent

leadership is the same we all have the

capacity to be a leader doesn't mean

everybody should be a leader and it

doesn't mean everybody wants to be a

leader and the reason is because it

comes at great personal sacrifice

remember you're not in charge you're

responsible for those in your charge

that means things like when everything

goes right you have to give away all the

credit and when everything goes wrong

you have to take all the responsibility

that sucks right it's things like

staying late to show somebody what to do

it's things like when something does

actually break when something goes wrong

instead of yelling and screaming and

taking over you say try again when the

overwhelming pressures are not on them

the overwhelming pressures are on us at

the end of the day great leaders are not

responsible for the job they're

responsible for the people who are

responsible for the job they're not even

responsible for the results I love

talking to CEOs and say what's your

priority and they put their hands on

their hips old proud and say my priority

is my customer I'm like really even talk

to a customer in 15 years

there's no CEO on the planet responsible

for the customer they're just not

they're responsible for the people who

responsible for the people who

responsible for the customer I'll tell

you a true story a few months ago I

stayed at the Four Seasons in Las Vegas

it is a wonderful hotel and the reason

it's a wonderful hotel is not because of

the fancy beds any hotel can go and buy

a fancy bed

the reason it's a wonderful hotel is

because of the people who work there

if you walk past somebody at the Four

Seasons than this and they say hello to

you you get the feeling that they

actually wanted to say hello to you it's

not that somebody told them that you

have to say hello to all the customers

say hello to all the guests right you

actually feel that they care now in

their Lobby they have a coffee stand and

I one afternoon I went to buy a cup of

coffee and there was a barista by the

name of Noah who was serving me Noah was

fantastic he was friendly and fun and he

was engaging with me and I had so much

fun buying a cup of coffee I actually

think I gave a hundred percent tip right

he was wonderful so as is my nature I

asked Noah do you like your job and

without skipping a beat Noah says I love

my job and so I followed up I said what

is it that the four seasons is doing

that would make you say to me I love my

job and without skipping a beat Noah

said throughout the day managers will

walk past me and ask me how I'm doing if

there's anything that I need to do my

job better he said not just my manager

any manager and then he said something

magical he says I also work at Caesars

Palace and Caesars at Caesar's Palace

the managers are trying to make sure

we're doing everything right they catch

us when we do things wrong he says when

I go to work there I like to keep my

head under the radar and just get

through the day so I can get my paycheck

he says here at the Four Seasons I feel

I can be myself same person entirely a

different experience from the from the

customer who will engage with Noah so we

in leadership are always criticizing the

people we're always saying we gotta get

the right people

I've got to film I run my team I gotta

get the right people but the reality is

it's not the people it's the leadership

if we create the right environment we

will get people like Noah at the four

seasons if we create the wrong

environment we will get people like Noah

at Caesar's Palace it's not the people

and yet we're so quick to hire and fire

you can't hire and fire your children if

there's if your kids are struggling we

don't say you got to see at school

you're up for adoption so why is it that

when somebody has performance problems

at work why is it that our instinct is

to say you're out we do not practice

empathy what does empathy look like

here's the lack of empathy this is

normal in our business world you walk

into someone's office someone walks into

our office and says your numbers have

been down for the third quarter in a row

you have to pick up your numbers

otherwise I can't guarantee what the

future will look like how inspired you

think that person is to come to work the

next day here's what empathy looks like

you walk into someone's office someone

walks into your office and says your

numbers are down for the third quarter

in a row are you okay I'm worried about

you

what's going on we all have performance

issues maybe someone's kid is sick maybe

they're having problems in their

marriage maybe one of their parents is

dying we don't know what's going on in

their lives and of course it will affect

performance at work empathy is being

concerned about the human being not just

their output we have for some reason our

work world has changed in the past 20

and 30 years we are suffering the side

effects of business theories left over

from the 80s and 90s and they are bad

for people and they are bad for business

let me give you an example the concept

of shareholder supremacy was a theory

proposed in the late 1970s it was

popularized in the 80s and 90s it is now

standard form today you talk to any

public company and you ask them their

priority and they say maximize

shareholder value

really that's like a coach prioritizing

the needs of the fans over the needs of

the players how you gonna build a

winning team with that model but that's

normal today we don't even perceive it

as broken or damaged or wrong or

outdated remember the 80s and 90s were

boom years with relative peace and a

kinder gentler cold war nobody was

practicing hiding under their desks in

school anymore we are no longer in those

times these are no longer boom years

these are no longer peaceful times and

those models cannot work today

here's another one mass layoffs using

someone's livelihood to balance the

books right it's so normal in America

today that we don't even understand how

broken and how damaging it is not only

to human beings but to business you know

companies talk about how they want to

build trust in cooperation then they

announce a round of layoffs do you know

the quickest way to destroy trust and

destroy cooperation in a business

literally in one day lay people off and

everyone gets scared all right can you

imagine sending someone home to say

honey I can no longer provide for our

family because the company missed its

arbitrary projections this year and

forget about the people who lost their

job think about the people who kept

their jobs because every single decision

a company makes as a piece of

communication and the company cut the

company has just communicated to

everybody else this is not a meritocracy

we don't care how hard you work or how

long you've worked here if we miss our

numbers and you happen to fall on the

wrong side of the spreadsheet I'm sorry

we cannot guarantee employment in other

words we come to work every day afraid

and we're asking our youngest generation

to work in environments where how would

any of us ever stand up and admit I made

a mistake we're constantly being told

you has to be vulnerable leaders are

vulnerable what does that even mean it

doesn't mean you walk around crying I'm

honorable right know what vulnerability

means as you create an environment in

which someone feels safe enough to raise

their hand and said I don't know what

I'm doing

you've given me a job and I haven't been

trained to do it I need help I made a

mistake I screwed something up I'm

scared

I'm worried all of these things no one

would ever admit inside a company

because it puts a target on your head in

case there's another round and so we

keep it to ourselves and how can a

company ever do well if nobody's ever

willing to admit they made a mistake

that's scared or they don't know what

they're doing and so we've literally

created cultures in which every single

day everybody comes to work and liya hai

lies hides and fakes and we're asking

our youngest generation to work and

succeed and find themselves and build

their confidence and overcome their

addiction to technology and build strong

relationships at work we're asking to do

this and these lis environments we've

created we keep saying to them you're

the future leaders we're the leaders now

we're in control what are we doing this

is what empathy means it means if

there's an entire generation struggling

maybe it's not them it's like you know

the only thing that I that the common

factor in all my failed relationships me

same thing Oh II just can't get the

right Act or you know the right

performance out of our people maybe it's

you right it's not a generation it's not

them they're not difficult or hard to

understand they're human beings like the

rest of us trying to find their way

trying to work in a place where they

feel that someone cares about them as a

human being by the way that's what we

all want in other words it's not even

generational it's all of us this is the

practice of empathy that if we're

struggling to communicate to someone if

it's struggling to help someone be at

their natural best I'm tired of people

saying to me how do I get the best out

of my people really that's what you want

they're like a towel just lingam how can

I get the most out of them

No how do I help my people be at their

natural best right we're not asking

these questions we are not practicing

empathy

we have to start by practicing empathy

and relate to what they may be going

through and it will profoundly change

the decisions we make it will profoundly

change the way we see the world

someone's driving to work you're driving

to work and someone wants to cut into

your lane what do you do if you pull

your car up would you let them in most

of us pull our cars up and go like this

you wait your turn now let's practice

empathy I don't know maybe they've been

out of work for six months maybe they

had trouble getting the kids out to

school this morning and now they're

running late for a really important

interview and they just have to get to

this interview and they're gonna cut

into our lane or maybe they're just a

bastard I don't know but that's the

point we don't know we don't know and

the practice of empathy will say I'll

let them in and I'll arrive to work one

car lengths late right we don't always

have to be right we do always have to be

in charge we don't have to be the one

who succeeds it's not about winning or

losing and that's where I go to the

second point after empathy comes

perspective where it's not about winning

or losing in game theory there are two

kinds of games there are finite games

and there are infinite games and this is

how you're gonna change your perspective

right a finite game is defined as known

players fixed rules and an agreed upon

objective baseball for example we know

the rules we all agree to the rules and

whoever has more runs at the end of nine

innings is the winner and the game is

over no one ever says if we can just

play two more innings I know we can come

back doesn't work that way the game is

over right that's a finite game then you

have an infinite game infinite games are

defined as known and unknown players the

rules are changeable and the objective

is to keep the game in play to

perpetuate the game when you pit a

finite player versus a finite player

this system is

baseball is stable right when you pit an

infant an infinite player versus an

infinite player this system is also

stable like the Cold War for example

because there cannot be a winner and a

loser there are no winners and losers in

an infinite game right it doesn't exist

and because there are no winners or

losers what ends up happening in the

infinite contest is players drop out

when they run out of the will or the

resources to play but there's no winners

or losers problems arise when you pit a

finite player versus an infinite player

because the finite players playing to

win and an infinite player is to playing

to keep the game going right this is

what happened to us in Vietnam we were

playing to win and the Vietnamese were

fighting for their lives we were the

ones who got stuck in quagmire this is

the Soviet Union in Afghanistan they

were trying to beat the Mujahideen and

the Mujahideen would fight for as long

as is necessary quagmire now let's look

at business the game of business has

pre-existed or has existed long before

every single company that exists on this

planet today and it will outlast every

single company that it lives that exists

on this planet today there's no winning

the game of business and the reason is

is because we haven't agreed to the

rules I get such a kick out of this you

realize how many companies actually

don't know the game they're in right

listen to the language of the companies

use we're trying to beat our competition

we're trying to be number one did you

know that we were ranked number one look

at the listing based on what criteria

revenues profits market share square

footage number of employees based on

what time frame a quarter a year five

years ten years 20 years 50 years 100

years I haven't agreed to those

standards how can you declare yourself

the winner

how can you declare yourself number one

where no one else in the game has agreed

to the rules it's arbitrary there is no

winning because there's no end in other

words companies are playing finite games

listen to their language they're trying

to beat their competition what does that

even mean it's the leaders and the

companies that understand the game that

they're in and organize their resources

and their decision making

the infinite contest that outlast and

frustrate their competition all the

companies that we've referred to as the

exceptions Southwest Airlines Apple

computers harley-davidson they're the

exception no they're playing the

infinite contest they frustrate their

competition is what happens that's what

happens because they're not playing to

win

Jim Senegal the founder of Costco which

is the company only real company that

gives Walmart a run for its money

he says public companies are looking to

succeed for the quarter says we're

looking for the next 50 years you can

hear him he's playing the infinite

contest I spoke at a Leadership Summit

for Microsoft I also spoke at a

Leadership Summit for Apple now at the

Microsoft summit I would say 70% of the

executives and this was under the Steve

Ballmer days I would say about 70% of

the executives spend about 70% of their

presentations talking about how to beat

Apple at the Apple Summit a hundred

percent of the executives spent a

hundred percent of their presentations

talking about how to help teachers teach

and how to help students learn one was

obsessed with their competition the

other one was obsessed with where

they're going so at the end of my

presentation at Microsoft they gave me a

gift they gave me the new Zune which was

the competitor to the iPod touch when it

was a thing right and I have to tell you

this piece of technology was spectacular

it was beautiful the user interface was

incredible the design was amazing it was

intuitive it was one of the most

beautiful elegant pieces of technology

I'd ever seen right now they didn't work

with iTunes which is an entirely

different problem I couldn't use it

but that's something else I'm sitting in

the back of a taxi with a senior Apple

executive sort of employee number twelve

kind of guy and I decide to stir the pot

and I turned him I say you know I spoke

at a Microsoft summit and they gave me

their new Zune and I have to tell you it

is so much better than your iPod touch

and he turned to me and said I have no

doubt conversation over because the

infinite player isn't playing to be

number one every day with every product

they're playing to outlast the

competition if I had sent to Microsoft

oh I've got the new iPod touch it's so

much better than your new Zune there was

a can we see it what does it do how we

have to see it because one is obsessed

with their competition the other is

obsessed with why they do what they do

the other is obsessed with where they're

going and the reason Apple frustrates

their competition is because secretly

they're not even competing against them

they're competing against themselves and

they understand that sometimes you're a

little bit ahead and sometimes you're a

little bit behind and sometimes your

product is better and sometimes you're

not but if you wake up every single

morning and compete against yourself how

do I make our products better than they

were yesterday how do I take care of our

customers better than we did yesterday

how do we advance our cause more

efficiently more productively than we

did yesterday how do we find new

solutions to advance our calling our

cause our purpose our beliefs are why

every single day what you'll find is

over time you will probably be ahead

more often those who play the infinite

game understand it's not about the

battle it's about the war and they don't

play to win every day and they frustrate

their competition until their

competition drops out of the game every

single bankruptcy almost every merger

and acquisition is basically a company

saying we no longer have the will or the

resources to continue to play and we

have no choice to either drop out of the

game or

or merge our resources with another

player so that we can stay in the game

that's what that is and if you think

about the number of bankruptcies and

mergers and acquisitions it's kind of

proof that most companies don't even

know the game they're in you want to be

a great leader start with empathy you

want to be a great leader change your

perspective and play the game you're

actually playing thank you very much

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