Discovering non-binarity: Cami's story

Even if you do not understand,

you can still support and accompany us.

Our identity remains legitimate

and it exists.

Testimonies
Non-binarity

Cami
22 years old, student

My name is Cami,
I am 22 years old and non-binary,

and I am here
to talk to you about non-binarity.

Non-binarity is an umbrella term

that covers all gender identities

that are neither exclusively masculine

or feminine.

It could mean agender,
so “a,” subtraction,

genderless, which is neutral,

or it can mean all fluid identities,

like if we pictured gender
as a spectrum with two extremes:

masculine and feminine.

We can also imagine a pointer
that scans the spectrum.

It includes everyone who is gender fluid,

demigender, pangender, etc.

I have never really identified
with femininity.

At 18, I was already

starting to question my gender identity,

and I met a trans man,

with whom I was with for a while,

and together we were able to put
my identity into words,

which was non-binary.

I think that he knew

how to help me find
the words for my identity

because he had
much more information than I did.

Gender identity is who we are.

It is the gender that we feel,

that we live,
that we experience.

And gender expression

is how we present ourselves
in front of others.

It is how we express this identity.

We can, for example,

have a masculine gender identity:

that is a man

with a feminine gender expression,

having a lot of traits

that are considered feminine
in society.

Like, for example,
Bilal Hassani, who is a man

with a feminine gender expression.

I announced to my parents
that I was non-binary

and that I wanted to change
my first name

at the same time.

I was 20 years old,
it was two years ago.

My mother took it very well.

She was already very well-versed
in the topic of gender.

She was pretty deinstitutionalized
and created a very safe space for me.

I felt safe.

With my father,
it was a bit more delicate.

It took me a little longer to tell him

and I did not do it

in person.

I sent him a message

because it was easier for me to handle.

He reacted well enough.

He said that
he did not understand everything,

but that, in any case,
he would be there to support me

and that it did not change anything
for him,

that he loved me just the same.

It was a less straightforward
for my grandmother

since it was something
that she was very far-removed from.

She grew up in the countryside,
then moved to Paris.

She lived with my grandfather
for 50 years.

She lived within
a very cis-heteronormative framework,

where she never questioned
her own identity

or that of others.

When I talked to her about it,
she was a bit stunned,

but she always made sure to
and made a point of

conducting herself

in the best possible way around me.

She put in a lot of effort,

she almost never makes mistakes

when using my chosen name anymore.

I applied for a change of name

in 2019.

I applied to

the town hall of the city where I lived.

I took out a form that I filled out

with testimonies from my loved ones,

saying they used the name Cami

to address me.

I asked my school to write me
a letter of support.

Then, I submitted my application.

I waited for a few months.

It varies depending on the town hall.

And I received approval
for the name change.

The act of misgendering someone

refers to addressing them

using the wrong pronouns,

so gendering a non-binary person

who has explicitly stated

they go by neutral pronouns,
such as “they”

as either feminine or masculine.

I, personally, use

feminine pronouns when speaking
and neutral ones in writing.

But it is true that in general,

I tend to say it straight away,

that I prefer to be addressed

with feminine pronouns when speaking.

Afterwards, if the person
does not do so on their own

and you prefer to be sure
you are gendering them correctly,

you can ask them
for their pronouns directly

or wait for the person
to state their gender in your presence

to follow their lead.

In videos I have previously made,

there were a lot of comments

that invalidate our identities,

that deny our gender expressions
and gender identities.

Following that,
I read very few of these comments,

precisely because
I know that for the most part,

they are either malicious
or extremely amateur,

and that they will just cause me distress.

I once participated in a report,
in which they said

that it was a fad,

that it had only appeared

in the United States, 10 years ago,

and that it had a lot to do with fashion,

unisex trends, or whatever.

That is completely false.
I think that it is also

a super white and
hyper-Eurocentric perspective

because in a lot of cultures,

there are several gender identities

that have just been completely erased

during colonisation.

Often enough, we hear
that it is problematic

or awkward to reinvent
more and more labels

to identify oneself,
then reidentify oneself, etc.,

but I think that it is extremely important

to be able to first relate to something

to then disidentify from an identity

that was assigned to us arbitrarily.

I think it is necessary

to find oneself in a community as well

to create bonds and
to know that we are not alone,

that support is available,

that there are other people
who are like us,

who understand us, who listen to us.

The bottom line is

even if you do not understand,

you can still
support and accompany others.

You can learn,
you can debunk

ways of thinking.

You can educate yourself,
you can help your loved ones

even if you do not understand

the full significance
of their gender identity.

Another thing is that
all non-binary people

have a different way of
expressing their identity,

that there are people who will undergo

medical transitions,
who will take hormones,

who will have surgeries
while others will not,

and that no matter how

we transition or not,

socially, medically, etc.,

our identity remains legitimate,
it exists,

and there are a lot of us.