Kenny Brooks Salesman Comedian (ORIGINAL)

This door to door salesman had us in stitches and said we could post this on youtube to share.

Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle
and beat it like Michael Jackson.

That's why your neighbor
said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage,

'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds.
So watch this right here, Dad, look.

Who does this the
most on the window:

the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys
that eat fried chicken?

Now you see these water spots? Look!

(customer) Yeah.

(Salesman) They get whiter than
my elbows without lotion.

(customer chuckles)

Watch this [indistinct]

'Cause Stevie Wonder
says "seein' is believin',"

and I got a disease called enthusiasm,
so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard.

Watch this, though
Don't laugh too hard,

'cause the neighbors gonna see this
black kid scrubbin' your window, okay?

(customer laughing)

But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi.
Remember the Karate Kid?

Now watch this-- the air dry, look,
it puts a coating on your window.

No water spots, no fingerprints,
no streaks.

That's why we can't sell it to criminals.
Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay?

(customer laughing) High five there!
They been lovin' this stuff!

Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all,
would agree -- oh my god!

You see this right here!
Who did that?! Who did that?!

(customer) I did.

(salesman) Okay, watch this.

Now, my mom said if it's darker than me
and it don't pay the bills,

it shouldn't be there, right?

(customer laughing)
Salesman: God bless you, hahaha.

Now look, this right here--
we just upgraded like Beyonce.

This is our new surfactant.

Hold this and watch this,
'cause this should be the main reason

why you get the HBO special.
You know what HBO means?

(customer) No.

(salesman) You get to help a brother out.
(both laughing)

Yeah, I've been on the roll
like toilet paper.

Half of your neighbors in the community--
they said they just gonna get it

'cause I'm funny,
'cause this stuff sells itself.

Look, you just go back and forth
like a argument. (customer laughing)

Now I ain't Jesus, but look how
I split that like Moses did the Red Sea.

Paint me green and call me a pickle.

And look at this right here, look.
Goes good with chicken.

Don't drink it, though,
or it will give you the Hershey squirts.

But look, that one bottle will last you
longer than my last relationship.

Y'all got water, right?

(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

High five, you qualified to use it!
Over here, mama.

Now, this is my last demo
and I'm out your hair

quicker than your favorite shampoo.

Y'all familiar with these
right here-- Sharpies?

(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

Now, watch this-- even though I'm black,
it ain't black magic. It just work.

'Cause look, say you got this in the
clothes or the carpets or the laundry.

Would you agree that's hard to get out?

(customer) Probably.

(salesman) Would you throw it out,
Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out,

Mike Tyson to bite it out--

-(customer 2) Throw it out.
-(salesman) --Kobe Bryant to--

-(salesman)(indistinct)
-(customer 2) Oh, okay, you weren't done.

(salesman) It was a
multiple choice funny joke.

'Cause you know you can't
throw bleach on colors, right?

(customer) Sure.

(salesman) Look at this.
This is safe on colors.

That's why we can't
sell it to Sammy Sosa.

(customer laughing)
But look, you just spray the spray, right?

Now, this right here takes out ink,
blood, coffee stains, grass stains,

Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax.

Would you say that's whiter
than the Colgate smile?

(customer laughing)

Oh my goodness, you see that?

(customer) Can I use it on my teeth?

(salesman) It ain't Jesus in a bottle.

I use it on mine, they turn brown.
No, I'm just kidding.

But no, you just use it on--
for your house.

What's the hardest thing to clean?

Would it be carpet, the tile,
barbecue grills, the shower doors,

that oil and rust in the driveway
that's blacker than my mother

but not as beautiful,
or that calcium right there?

-(customer 2) Can I put this on YouTube?
-(salesman) Yes, ma'am.

-(customer 2) What are you selling?
-(salesman) Personality.

(customer) Show them.

(salesman) But this sells itself, though.

It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner,
best thing since cake and ice cream.

Now, unlike Madonna,
it's never been touched,

so when you put two caps in a bottle--
(customer laughing)

Well, I just come-- most of your neighbors, they just get it 'cause they like me.

Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins?
Customer: Yeah.

Salesman: See, I'm takin' his course 'cause this how Jamie Foxx started off, door-to-door.

And he said two years of door-to-door sellin' is the equivalent of four years of college communication, how you interact with different people, that's why half of the neighbors don't buy it 'cause it work; they just buy it 'cause they like my tenacity, 'cause they said it ain't an easy task goin' door to door.

Customer 2: How much is it?

Salesman: I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach ain't never knocked on ya'll door and made you laugh while Mom went and got the camcorder just to tape it, right?

High five, that's all I'm sayin'!

But whatchall do for a livin'? Y'all must be in sales too!

Customer: Kind of. We--

Salesman: I know, 'cause your house bigger than my whole neighborhood! Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson buy from a good one," right?

God bless you.

But that's what I said -- just try the one. You only gotta buy the case today like mail line.

My mom said if you can't get the whole chicken, at least get the wing, right? Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal.

But like I said, you only put two caps, twenty ounces of water. So that one bottle make you 68 sprayers. But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out, you probably see me on Last Comic Standing, and then you go to eBay and get your money back.

[customer laughing]

Well, 'cause even Jesus said if you give a person a fish, you could feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you could feed him for a lifetime, right?

Customer: Sure.

God bless you, but if y'all had it, what would you try it on first, that right here, or the hard water spot, or just-- just something fun?

Customer: Huh, what? I don't know. How much is it?

Well, the one bottle is just $36 a bottle, and you get a spray bottle -- it makes you 68 bottles.

I just get 50% of that, because if I don't sell nothin' I don't get nothin'. That's why your neighbor, he said, "I'm just gonna get it 'cause you're funny," 'cause the one thing that your neighbors didn't say-- look, right here. You know, all of these cleaners -- this is another joke, though, so tape this one.

But do you know all of these cleaners right here y'all use?

Customer: Uh-huh.

They said this stuff is like a pregnant lady on welfare -- it don't work!

Okay.

You get it? 'Cause you know there's Clorox, Simple Green, 409, Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pinesol, y'all probably use a lot of those, right?

Mm-hmm.

Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier?

Dollar.

High five there! See, you sharper than a Gillette, that's what I'm talking about!

[laughing]

Now, this should be really the check test for y'all, though. Now, Mom, you see our door handle? That brass?

Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this. This should be the main reason why y'all get the get-rid-of-me special.

Customer: Alright.

Customer 2: Can you sell it for $30?

Salesman: I'll get fired right now, but what you can do, Mom, you can write this off for fundraising, though.

That's what most your neighbors been doing.

Customer 2: What? What? What?

Salesman: You get the right--
Customer 2: Was that a yes?

Salesman: [chuckles] I like you, Mom.

You must be a teacher.

Customer 2: No.

Salesman: 'Cause you got a lot of class.
[customer laughing]

But you see right here, though? For real? No, you get to write it off, though.

That's why a lot f your neighbors don't do it from they pocket; they do it from they heart.

But I'll tell you what I can do.

If y'all get the one bottle, I'm going to throw in a free Mary Kay Christian Dior Calvin Klein Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it.

But this should be the check test, though.

You see this brass right here?

Now I'm gonna be all-- when's the last time y'all seen this look shiny like a baby heinie?

When y'all first bought the house?

God bless you.

Watch this right here.

Customer: It's so old.

Salesman: I know. Now it's about to be brand new.

It's gonna go from 79 to 2010.

Look at that! Oh my goodness!

There, that's worth a bottle right there.

Customer: Can you wipe that off the door down there?

Salesman: Now don't panic; it's organic. Remember, I told you, it won't fade color.

Remember, that's why we couldn't-- that's why we could sell it to Michael Jackson.

Well, our product meet OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA.

You know this is safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick?

And it's safe around kids, unlike Pee-wee Herman.

High five! Oh yeah!

Would you say this show alone worth me getting a commission off that one bottle?

Customer: Hell yeah!

Salesman: Well yeah, that's why you should do it from your heart.

You think I could do standup comedy?

Customer: Oh yeah!

Salesman: That's the only reason why I'm doing this.

This is a stepping stone for me!

Because I get a commission to pay for my acting school.

That's why a lot of your neighbors--

Are you from around here?

I'm from my mama. Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I -- we stay out here now, yeah. We stay on--

(Customer #2) What's your name?

Kenny Brooks. Watch, you gonna see me on TV.

Make sure you tape that -- Kenny Brooks!

(Customer) Well, 'cause, uh, 'cause I think, if you're around, 'cause we play music and bands, and we have a-- it'd be perfect to have you come up and, you know, between bands, and say some shit.

High five there! Why y'all so nice, man? Y'all cooler than the other side of the pillow!

Dang, if I had y'all hairs, I'd cut mine off!

'Cause your neighbors been workin' me like I'm black and payin' me like I'm Mexican; that's what I'm trying to get off.

I had one neighbor tryin' to make me clean the toilet.

I was like, "Dang."
[both laughing]

But that's what I said, just try one, 'cause I know that ain't gonna take the cheese out y'all macaroni, and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it, though, 'cause you use it on everything.

Only thing you can't use it on is dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors-- that's why we ain't call it Jesus in a bottle.

And there, you know them bugs that commit suicide on the front of your car?

Yeah?

They told me the bugs out here are as bad as the morning breath.

Watch this right here -- 'cause see, it's unisex.

But, but--

It's made for--

I have to leave, though.

Ok, we'll just try one. You can do cash, check, or chicken wings, 'cause you're gettin' this right now.

You don't even have to wait on it.

We faster than UPS or FedEx.

Most your neighbor just been doin' cash or makin' it out to the company.

Could you get it right now?

And I'm gonna get y'all a spray bottle just 'cause you ain't makin' me clean the toilet.

(Customer 2) Okay.

God bless you!