The power of mindful sex | Diana Richardson | TEDxLinz

Awareness in sex creates love and connection, says author Diana Richardson. She has spent 25 years teaching couples about sex as a form of meditation where longing and attraction don’t die. Are you open minded? Are you open to explore? Learn how sex can bring healing and connection to your relationship in this thought-provoking talk.

Diana Richardson is one of today’s leading authorities on human sexuality. She has written 8 books on how in practical ways a person can experience a more fulfilling sex and love life. One of her bestsellers was translated and published under the title "Zeit für Weiblichkeit", a book well celebrated in the German speaking world. Born in South Africa in 1954, she first qualified as a lawyer (B.A.LLB), and then she trained as a massage therapist (ITEC) in the UK. Her interest in the body and healing prompted an intense personal exploration into the union of sex and meditation - the essence of Tantra. Since 1993, together with her partner, she has been sharing her insights and experiences with couples who travel from many different parts of the world to participate in their informative and life changing workshops in Switzerland.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Sex as we know it
is very much influenced by the mind.

As humans, we can choose to have sex,

unlike our animal friends.

They never think about it -

it’s happening when it’s happening,
and it’s not when it’s not -

whereas we can choose
when to have it and how to have it.

Sex brings joy, excitement,
the possibility of love and connection.

It also brings sadness, unhappiness,
disappointment, trauma.

There’s premature ejaculation,
erection difficulties, performance stress.

There’s loss of interest, lack of orgasm,
physical pain during sex.

And as you know,

couples often separate because of sex.

Fact is we think the climax
is the reason to have sex.

It’s what we want; it's what we expect.

So our minds have become imprinted
with a certain program or agenda

that makes us climax
or goal oriented in sex.

This goal brings stress and tension,

for example,

having to deliver a good performance,

making your partner happy,

or pleasing the partner, getting it right,

or having to have an orgasm,

or having to hold one off
for as long as possible.

And when things don’t go
according to plan or wishes,

then possible outcomes are:

we become half-hearted with each other
in relating and intimacy,

or we give up, we stop trying,

or we look for another partner,

hoping things will work out better.

Well, I am here to share with you

that these problems
are not inherent to sex.

The problem is not sex itself,

the problem lies
with the style of having it.

Our common style is "mind-filled" sex.

I say "mind-filled" because
we're always thinking about it,

even when we're having it.

We're concerned about the climax,

we're monitoring our own performance,

we're wondering how the partner is doing,

and so on.

And if we believe and think
that the climax is the reason to have sex,

then of course,

it has to be hot, intense,
building up excitement and sensation.

But there is another style of sex,
called "mind-full" sex.

Mindfulness is a modern word.

Very popular.

Its real meaning is awareness,
to be in the awareness,

using the mind, yes,
but using it to direct the attention

to be centered, aware
and present in the body;

you are not lost in thought.

And in mindful sex,

we bring that same quality of awareness,
like a meditation, into the exchange.

Attention is directed inside the body,

and your whole body
is used as a sensing organ.

It’s more like you are being sex
rather than doing sex.

And just as in meditation,

as many of you know
from your own personal experience,

aware in the here and now - no goals.

Let me repeat that:

In mindful sex, there are
no goals, even climax.

Of course, it's an option, it's a choice,
but it can happen after 2-3 hours,

if you wish.

But it's not something that you work for,

rather, you relax, take it easy.

Imagine for a moment that you decide
to spend a day in the nature.

Imagine it's a beautiful day -
warm, clear skies.

And at a certain point,
you need to make a choice.

Do you follow your
favorite trail up the mountain?

Or do you stay in the valley?

As much as you love going up the mountain,

on this day you decide
to stay in the valley,

and you take a slow walk,

explore the forest,

relax by the river,

and you spend that day
with no particular goals in mind,

and without the strain and the effort
of reaching to the peaks

and the tiredness that follows.

What I’m saying

is to make a conscious decision
to stay in the valleys

and not always searching for the peaks.

Well, this does sound different, right?

And yes,

mindful sex does require
that we open our minds about sex.

And ... are you open minded?

Open to explore?

30 years ago, I thought I was open minded.

I'd lived through the seventies -

sexual freedom;

I thought my sex life was great.

But then I realized
I was going around in circles,

from falling in love
to falling out of love,

over and over again.

I had this growing sense
that there had to be more to sex.

And, at that time, I was living in India,

and that’s where I ran
into this other style of sex:

"mind-full" sex, or sex with awareness.

So, I spent the next five years
pretty solidly researching,

and I was not - yes, you got it -

I was not in libraries reading books,
I was researching in bed.

(Laughter)

And, you know,

mindful sex is definitely nothing new.

It’s been there for millennia.

Bringing sex together with awareness,

as a meditation,
as a spiritual experience,

is one of the aspects of tantra,

an ancient body of knowledge from india.

When I started out,
I was curious - that was all -

or some may say adventurous.

Again and again,

I put this ancient teaching into practice,

and gradually, my whole experience
and view of sex was revolutionized.

After a while,

friends started coming to me
with questions,

and that led to me teaching,
and then I began to write books about it,

and I’ve been involved in this way
for 25 years now.

Usually, when I talk about this subject,
I have a lot of time to go into detail -

several days in a seminar
or the length of a book -

but, here, today, in this situation,
it's going to be a quickie.

(Laughter)

By now, you are probably asking yourself,
Well, what does mindful sex look like?

And it’s easiest to describe
by highlighting some contrasts

because when we bring mindfulness in,

certain shifts and changes
begin to happen,

for example,

from early ejaculation
to lasting much, much longer,

even hours,

from physical pain to physical pleasure,

from performance pressure, stress
to relaxing, taking it easy,

from disconnection and sadness

to feeling bonding
with your partner, happy,

from loss of interest or avoidance of sex

to interest, willingness,
longing returning,

from feeling used or seeing sex as duty

to feeling valued and appreciated.

So those shifts sound well and good,
but actually, how do we do it?

The good, big question.

Firstly, I want to say
that my own experience is male-female,

and I have worked with thousands
of such couples over the years.

However, I have also worked
with other couple combinations,

and I can say with all confidence

that awareness

will increase the rapport, intimacy
and love bond with any couple,

independently of sexual orientation
or gender identity.

Naturally, some of the male-female
details won't apply,

but principles
can be adapted and explored.

Having said that,
here's nine basic principles:

The first - very practical -
you make a date;

you set aside two, three hours
or more undisturbed time.

This works very well for women

because the female body
warms up and opens up to sex

much more slowly than the male body.

When the female body is open and ready,

this will completely raise
the quality of the exchange for both.

For men, having a date is very helpful

because men are often walking around

wondering when they will next
be able to have sex again -

for sure.

And if he knows it’s going to happen
tomorrow night - or tonight -

then he is much more relaxed,
present, centered

with himself and with you.

The next prinicple is the most important,

and that is …

if you get this one,
then everything else just flows.

Your intention is to be
as aware and present as possible,

and you take it moment by moment.

The next, again and again,
you scan your body -

relax it, relax tensions;

you check your jaw, shoulders, belly,
genitals, buttocks, anus;

and you do that repeatedly.

The next is you breathe deep -
instead of breathing shallow -

you breathe deep and slow
into the belly, into the genitals.

The next,

instead of entering the body
fast and forcefully,

you enter very consciously

and open the canal
millimeter by millimeter,

and you use lubrication
to ease that entry.

The next,

instead of mechanical, back-and-forth
friction type movements,

each movement is done with awareness,

and that naturally creates slowness,

and that increases your sensitivity.

Instead of building up
and building up excitement,

you relax into it -

a little excitement and then relax,

a little excitement and then relax.

Instead of eyes closed
and being involved in thought or fantasy,

your eyes are open,
you're present, you're here,

you have eye contact if you wish,

and at any time,

you can share in words
what you feel and experience in your body.

And the last,

have a sense of humor

because, really, funny things do happen,

and we all know it's so healthy and good
to have a good laugh.

But you laugh at yourself
and not your partner, please.

(Laughter)

In summary,

mindful sex is about staying
in the cooler zones

and not getting too hot and excited.

Sex is like fire:

you add wood too quickly,
let it burn bright,

it will create beautiful blazing flames,

but very soon, that fire will die down,

whereas if you add the wood
piece by piece by piece by piece

and keep the flame low,

then that same fire
will last the whole night through.

I’m not saying that you have
to forego mind-filled sex

but just to be aware that problems
are created through that style.

So try to open your mind
and give yourself other options.

Have mind-filled sex when you want -

rush, a quick high -

have mindful sex when you want to nurture
the love and the connection between you.

In my learning path,

how I felt afterwards
was the most important,

the greatest teacher -

not immediately after
but in the days following too.

So next time, afterwards, have a look.

Allow yourself to look and feel

what that style is doing to you
on a deeper level.

For example,

the climax might have been great,

but afterwards you feel
a bit tired or disconnected or sad,

maybe irritable or aggressive,

whereas if you stay in the cooler style,

you might notice you feel
refreshed, energized, uplifted

and more in love with your partner.

Now …

the most important thing I ask you
is: Don't believe me.

(Laughter)

Try it for yourself,
and prove it to yourself.

It’s a doorway so close to home
it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it.

But just around the corner - just a turn -

and a whole new universe opens up.

30 years ago, I could never have imagined

that changing the way I made love

would mean that I spend
the rest of my days talking about sex,

especially in a forum such as this one.

So I am here, without goal or agenda,

to share with you a life-changing truth:

that awareness in sex

creates love, generates love
and nurtures connection.

I dream of a world

where we don’t only fall in love
and then fall out of love,

but where we rise in love, together.

Let us begin the true sexual revolution

and create a new experience for humanity.

A world where couples live in harmony,

where sex improves
the longer you are together,

where sex brings healing,
connection, confidence, clarity,

where sex invites love and peace on earth.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I wish you a courageous heart
and a spirit of adventure!

Thank you!

(Applause) (Cheers)