Abbott And Costello- Who's On First

Abbott and Costello's most famous skit "Who's on First?"

{Applause}
Costello: How do you like my ball club Lou?

Abbott: Hey all those people going to be at the game today?

Costello: Certainly! Wow! It's going to be a whopper of a game!

Abbott: Well, It should be!

Costello: Hey Abbott, I understand they made you the manager of this here baseball team.

Abbott: Why not? So you're the manager?
Costello: I'm the manager.

Abbott: Well you know, I'd like to know some of the guy's name on the team

so when I meet on the street or the ball park I'll

be able to saw hello to those people.

Costello: Why, sure I'll introduce you to those people.

They give them funny names though, Lou.

Abbott: Oh, I know they give those ball players awfully funny names.

Costello: Let's see on the team we have; "Who's" on first,

"What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third,

Abbott: You the manager?
Costello: Yes
Abbott: You know the guy's name?

Costello: I should.

Abbott: Good, well then tell me the guy's name.

Costello: I say "Who's" on first, "What's" on second, "I don't know's" on third.

Abbott: You the manager?

Costello: Yes

Abbott: You know the guy's name?

Costello: I'm telling you their names!

Abbott: Well, who's on first?
Costello: Yes.

Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.
Costello: "Who"

Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: "Who!"

Abbott: The guy playing first base.

Costello: "Who!"

Abbott: The guy on first

Costello: "Who!"
"Who" is on first base.

Abbott: What are you asking me for? I'm asking you!

Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

Abbott: You ain't telling me nothing. I'm asking you who's on first?

Costello: That's it!
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

Costello: "Who!"
Abbott: The guy on first base.

Costello: That's his name!
Abbott: That's whose name?

Costtello: Yes
Abbott: Well then tell me.

Costello: That's the man's name!

Abbott: Whose name?

Costello: Yeah
Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me!

Costello: "Who" is on first?

Abbott: What are you asking me for?

I'm asking you who's on first.

Costello: That's it.

Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

Costello: "Who"

Abbott: The guy on first!

Abbott: What's the guy's name on first?

Costello: No, "What's" on second?

Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

Costello: "Who's" on first?

Abbott: That's what I'm asking you.

Who's on first?

Costello: Now wait a minute, just don't...don't change the players.

Abbott: I'm not changing nobody! I asked you a simple question!

Abbott: What's the guy's name on first base?

Costello: "What's" the guy's name on second base?

Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second!

Costello: "Who" is on first?

Abbott: I don't know.

Costello: He's on third. Now we're not talking about him.

Abbott: Look. You got a first baseman?

Costello: Yes.

Abbott: Then tell me the fella's name playing first.

Costello: "Who."

Abbott: They guy playing first.

Costello: That's his name.

Abbott: Wait. What's the guy's name on first base?

Costello: "What" is the guy's name on second base.

Abbott: Who's playing second?

Costello: "Who's" playing first.

Abbott: I don't know

Costello: He's on third base. What's the matter with you?

Abbott: Look. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?

Costello: Every dollar of it.

Abbott: Yeah. (Frustrated noise)

Abbott: Look. You gotta pay the money to somebody on first base don't ya?

Costello: Yeah

Abbott: Does he give you a receipt?

Costello: Yes.

Abbott: How does he sign the receipt?

"Who."

The guy that you give the money to.

That's how he signs it.

That's how who signs it?

Yes.

Well go ahead and tell me.

That's him.

That's who?

Yes.

When you give the guy the money, don't he have to sign the receipt?

He does, Lou.

Well, how does he sign his name?

"Who."

The guy you give the receipt!

The guy who signs it signs it "Who."

You. You dope.

Now take it easy

You just don't give money to somebody without him giving you a receipt.

No. "Who" signs it.

What are you asking me for?

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

Go ahead then. Tell me. What's the guy's name that signs the receipt on first base?

Now wait a minute. "What" signs his own receipt.

Who signs his own receipt?

No. "Who" signs his.

I'm asking you when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper he puts his name on it. How does the fella's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?

"Who."

To you.

That's how it looks.

How does it look to you?

"Who"

To you?

"WHO"

To you?

"WHO"

Look. When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?

Now that's how it looks. "WHO."

I"m asking you what's the guy's name on first base you give the money to?

"WHO." After all, the man's entitled to it.

Who is?

Yes.

Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Who's wife?

Yeah. Sure.

All I'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name on first base.

"What" is on second base.

I'm not asking you who's on second.

"Who's" on first.

"I don't know"

He's on Th-

Third base. I know that.

You got and outfield?

Sure.

What's the Left Fielder's name?

"Why."

I just thought I'd ask you.

Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

The left Fielder's name?

"Why."

Hmm. BECAUSE

Nah. He's Center Field.

UGH

(Applause)

Costello: How do you like my long club Lou?

Abbott: Hey all those people going to be at the game today?

Costello: Certainly! Wow! It's going to be a whopper of a game!

Abbott: Well, It should be!

Costello: Hey Abbott, I understand they made you the manager of this here baseball team.

Abbott: Why not? So you're the manager?

Costello: I'm the manager.

Abbott: Well you know, I'd like to know some of the guy's name on the team

so when I meet on the street or the ball park I'll

be able to saw hello to those people.

COstello: Why, sure I'll introduce you to those people.

The;y give them funny names though, Lou.

Abbott: Oh, I know they give those ball players awfully funny names.

Costello: Let's see on the team we have; Who's on first,

"What's on second, "I don't know's on third,

Abbott: You the manager:

Costello: Yes

Abbott: You know the guy's name?

Costello: I should.

Abbott: Good, well then tell me the guy's name.

Costello: I say, "Who's on first, "What's on second, "I don't know's on third.

Abbott: You the manager?

Costello: Yes

Abbott: You know the guy's name?

Costello: I'm telling you their names!

Abbott: Well, who's on first?

Costello: Yes.

Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.

Costello: "Who!"

Abbott: The guy playing first base.

Costello: "Who!"

Abbott: The guy on first

Costello: "Who!"

"Who" is on first!

Abbott: What are you asking me for? I'm asking you!

Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you

Abbott: You ain't telling me nothing. I'm asking you who's on first?

Costello: That's it!

Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

Costello: "Who!"

Abbott: The guy on first base.

Costello: That's his name!

Abbott: That's who's name?

Costello: Yes

Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me.

Costello: That's the man's name!

Abbott: That's whose name?

Costello: Yeah

Abbott: Well then go ahead and tell me!

Costello: "Who" is on first.

Abbott: What are you asking me for?

I'm asking you who's on first.

Costello: That's it.

Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.

Costello: "Who"

Abbott: The guy on first!

Costello: That's it.

Abbott: What's the guy's name on first?

Costello: No, What's on second.

Abbott:I'm not asking you who's on second.

Costello: Who's on first.

Abbott: That's what I'm asking you, who's on first.

Costello: Now wait now don't, don't change the play.

Abbott: I'm not changing nobody.
I'm asking a simple question.

Abott: What's the guy's name on first base?

Costello: What's the guy's name on second base.

Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Costello: Who is on first.

Abbott: I don't know
Costello: He's on third.

Costello: Now we're not talking about him.

Abbott: Look. You got a first baseman?
Costello: Yes.

Abbott: Then tell me the fellow's name playing first.

Costello: Who.

Abbott: The guy playing first.

Costello: That's his name.

Abbott: Wait. What's the guy's name on first base?

Costello: What is the guy's name on second base.

Abbott: Who's playing second?

Costello: Who's playing first.

Abbott: I don't know
Costello:He's on third base!

<audience laughs>
Costello: What's the matter with you?

Abbott: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month,

who do you pay the money to?

Costello: Every dollar of it.

Abbott: Yeah.

<laughter>

Abbott: Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, don't you?

Abbott: Does he give you a receipt?
Costello: Sure

Abbott: How does he sign the receipt?
Costello: Who.

Abbott: The guy that you give the money to.

<laughter>

Costello: Who!

Abbott: The guy you give the money to.

Costello: That's how he signs it.

Abbott: That's how who signs it?
Costello: Yes.

Abbott: Go ahead and tell me.
Costello: That's it.

Abbott: That's who?

Costello: Yes!

Abbott: When you give the guy the money, don't he have to sign a recipt?

Costello: He does, Lou!

Abbott: So how does he sign his name?

Costello: Who!
Abbott: They guy you give the money to!!

<inaudible over audience laughter>

Abbott: You dope!
Costello: Now take it easy...

Abbott: You don't just give money to somebody without him giving you a recipt.

Costello: No, Who signs it.
Abbott: What are you asking ME for??

Costello: Now, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me, what's the guy's name that signs the receipt for first base?

Costello: Now wait a minute, What signs his own receipts.

Abbott: Who signs his own receipts?
Costello: No, Who signs his.

Abbott: Wh... I'm asking you when the guy on first base

gives you a piece of paper, he puts his name on it.

Costello: No Who puts his name on it and What puts his name...

Abbott: How does the fellow's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?

Costello: Who.
Abbott: To you.
Costello:That's how it looks!

Abbott: How does it look to you?
Costello: Who!

Abbott: To you.
Costello: Who!

Abbott: To you!
Costello: Who!

Abbott: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?

Costello: Look, that's how it looks... Who!

Abbott: Who??
Costello: Who.

Abbott: I'm asking you, what's the guy's name on first base that you give the money to?

Costello: Who! After all the man's entitled to it.

Abbott: Who is?
Costello: Yes.

<laughter>

Costello: Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Abbott: Who's wife?
Cotello: Yes, sure.

Abbott: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base...

Costello: What is on second base...
Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Costello: Who's on first
Abbott: I don't know...

Together: Third base.
Abbott: I know that...

Abbott: You got an outfield?
Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: I just thought I'd ask you.
Costello: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Abbott: The left fielder's name?
Costello: Why!

Abbott: Hmm.

Abbott: BECAUSE!
Costello: Ahhh...he's center field.

<Abbott groans>

Costello: You don't know these players as well as...

Abbott: All I'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name in left field?

Costello: No, What is on second.

Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Costello: Who's on first.
Abbott: I don't know,

Together: Third base.

<audience laughter>

Abbott: You got a pitcher on the team?

Costello: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Abbott: The pitcher's name?
Costello: Tomorrow.

Abbott: You don't want to tell me today?
Costello: I'm telling you, Lou.

Abbott: Then go ahead.
Costello: Tomorrow.

Abbott: What time?
Costello: What time what?

Abbott: What time tomorrow you going to tell me who's pitching?

Costello: Now listen, Who is not...
Abbott: I'll break your arm if you say his on first!

Abbott: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

Costello: What's on second.
Abbott: I don't know...

Together: THIRD BASE.

Abbott: You got a catcher?
Costello: Sure.

Abbott: The catcher's name?
Costello: Today.

Abbott: Today. You don't want to tell me...today...tomorrow, do you?

<both laugh>

Costello: I'm telling you.

Abbott: So the catcher's name?

Costello: Today.
Abbott: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.

Costello: Now you've got it!

Abbott: Now I've got it...

<sounds of annoyance>

Abbott: What we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Costello: Well I can't help that.

Abbott: Alright, now you know I'm a good catcher.

Abbott: Now I get behind the plate and tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

Costtello: Yes...
Abbot: Now when he gets up me being a good catcher
I'm going to throw they guy out at first base.

Abbott: So the guy punts the ball, I pick up the ball, and I'm going to throw the guy out at first base.

Abbott: So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Costello: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Abbott: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

<audience laughter>

Costello: But that's, that all you have...
Abbott: That's all I do is I throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Now who's got it?

Costello: Naturally.

Costello: Now you've got it.
Abbott: If I throw the ball to first base somebody's got to get the ball.

Abbott: Now who's got it?
Costello: Naturally!
Abbott: Who?

Costello: Naturally.

<laughter>

Abbott: Naturally?
Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to 'Naturally'. He gets...

Costello: No, no, no...
Abbott: Naturally get's the ball...and...

Costello: You've thrown the ball to first base.

Abbott:Then who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Costello: No! No.
Abbott: That's who gets the ball..and...

Costello: You throw the ball to Who.
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's what I'm saying!
Costello: You're not saying it that way!

Abbott: I said 'I throw the ball to Naturally'!
Costello: No you don't!

Abbott: I throw it to who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's what I'm saying!

Abbott: I throw the ball to first base somebody's got to get it.

Costello: So Who get's it.
Abbott: Naturally...Okay!

Abbott: Now I ask you, who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: Same as you!
Costello: No it's not!

Abbott: I throw the ball to naturally.
Costello: You throw the ball to Who.

Abbott: Then who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: He better get it!

Abbott: So I throw the ball to first base, and whoever it is drops the ball,

and the guy runs to second.

Now Who picks up the ball throws it to What.

What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow,

triple play.

Costello: Could be.

Abbott: Another guy gets up and hits a long flyball to Because.

Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Why. I don't know. He's on third,

Abbott: And I don't give a darn!

<laughter>

Costello: What'd you say?
Abbott: I said I don't give a darn.

Costello: Oh, that's our shortstop.

<laughter and applause>