Six steps to improve your emotional intelligence | Ramona Hacker | TEDxTUM

Sometimes emotions don’t make sense, and sometimes being emotional doesn’t mean you're emotionally intelligent. Growing up, rationality often came before emotions for Ramona, but as she grew older and realized that she had never actively learned how to deal with her emotions and that she wasn’t the only one who lacked this skill, she knew she had to change something. In her talk, Ramona guides us through her experiences and shows us six steps to become more emotionally intelligent.

Ramona Hacker has a degree in English and American Studies and is currently pursuing a Master‘s in World Heritage Studies. Through several personal experiences as well as her volunteer experience at a local soccer club and for the student organization AIESEC, she started thinking about the topic of emotional intelligence and how it affects everyone’s lives and the way we deal with our problems.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I want to start with
doing a small survey with you.

For that, please put
your hands into your laps

and close your eyes.

I will now pose a couple of questions

to which I would love to have
a very honest answer

just by a show of hands.

No worries, no one will judge you for it.

The first question is,

Who of you has thought,
within the past week,

about whether or not you are
an emotionally intelligent person?

Now that you think of it,

would you consider yourself
emotionally intelligent?

Please raise your hand if you do so.

And who of you has ever worked
consciously on your emotional skill?

Thank you for sharing.

You can now open your eyes again.

And thank you also for being
so very honest with me.

Now I also want to be honest with you.

Emotional intelligence is not
necessarily my main strength.

When I make decisions,
I based them solely on my rationale.

If friends from school hear me
do this talk right now,

they will be very surprised
because back then,

I didn't even consider emotions
as something crucial.

They weren't logical.

I couldn't explain them very well.

So why would I care?

I never even actively thought about
the topic until five years ago

when I dropped out of a job
because of a burnout.

It was then that my very
emotional side was revealed,

and while I rarely cried before,
especially not in front of people,

I just couldn't stop the tears
from streaming down my face

at the most inconvenient of times anymore.

Several times a day,

I went to the restroom
just to hide my suffering.

And that made very clear to me
that I need to work on this issue.

But now, what is it,

this mysterious emotional intelligence?

When most people think of it,

they stop at the term "emotional".

What do you connect to it?

I'd say it has a bad connotation,

describing a person having
or expressing strong feelings.

And this connotation is also then,
therefore, emotional intelligence,

a misconception that I had as well.

However, it's crucial to differentiate

between emotional and the value
that emotional intelligence can have,

because emotional intelligence
is something fundamentally different.

It's the ability to identify and manage
your emotions and those of others,

and it's set to include three skills.

First, emotional awareness,

so empathy towards others
but also towards the self.

Second, the ability to harness emotions

and apply them to tasks
like problem solving.

And third, the ability to manage emotions,

which includes regulating
your own emotions

but also calming down
or cheering up other people.

As you can clearly see by this contrast,

very emotional people do not
necessarily or automatically

have a high emotional intelligence,

because they may only
display their emotions freely

without thinking about
or knowing why they have them.

And maybe not even considering

the appropriateness of showing them
in the respective situation.

Now, lacking emotional intelligence
as a kid or teenager meant for me

that I would channel things
like loneliness or fear

sometimes into aggression.

My family background -
well, let's say - is improvable.

So, instead of finding
the support that I'd need,

I'd rather get it on the basis
of "Oh, don't be such a crybaby"

than anything else.

My parents didn't teach me
the value of emotions.

Therefore, losing friends or breakups

would hit me harder than many others

because I could neither
fully understand my emotions,

nor those of the others.

They just didn't make sense.

I thought I'm not supposed
to feel that way,

because I've never learned
how to deal with emotions.

And with time passing, I realised

I'm just one of many people
having this issue.

Have you ever thought about
why people judge or bully each other,

beat kids, or at work, or even in
toxic friendships or relationships?

And it can be anything,
ranging from sexism to racism.

It's because of insecurity
due to a lack of emotional intelligence,

because it's hard
to understand the difference

between yourself and someone else,

And it's even harder to connect
on an emotional level,

to truly comprehend
where someone else is coming from.

And in order to change that,

we first of all need to consider
emotional intelligence

as a crucial skill in our society,

and then also take the time
to consciously work on it.

Currently, we do neither.

And we also don't give
our kids, for example,

the space to learn the skill.

Kids nowadays - they are supposed
to be good in school,

do sports, play an instrument,
learn a foreign language,

and maybe even some additional things.

They don't get the chance
to get to know who they are,

connect to themselves,
and to their emotions.

And a fundamental part
of being emotionally intelligent

means knowing who you are.

And for them to learn,

we also need to learn it ourselves
to be the role model that they need.

Now you might be thinking, "Yeah, sure,

but how do we approach this topic -
individually, but also as a society?"

And basically it comes down to
what everything comes down to:

we need to learn a new skill.

So, when you learn a new skill,

you first of all need to become aware
of your incompetence in the field.

So I got there with my burnout.

I'm pretty sure that you
can manage that more easily,

and then you work on the skill

until you manage it
to the level that you want.

And after a while,
you will even be able to apply it

without actively thinking about it.

Take for example, your driver's license.

After a while you stop thinking,

"Oh, I need to put in the next gear" -

you just do so.

Unconscious competence achieved.

Now, the tricky thing, though, is

to get from conscious incompetence
to conscious competence.

And we do that by learning
the basics of how a car works

and by practicing.

So in the beginning it may be difficult

to steer the wheel at the same time
as putting in the next gear,

but after a while, it gets easier.

And with emotional intelligence,
it's basically the same thing.

So I tried to compile my experiences

and came up with a six-step guide

that hopefully helps people
to get more emotionally intelligent.

And the first thing
that we need to do is

we need to acknowledge our emotions.

But not only as such
but as something valuable

because that's what they are.

According to research by António Damásio,

people whose brain parts that are
responsible for emotions have been damaged

found themselves even having
a harder time taking rational decisions.

That's how valuable they are.

And the very first small
but simple thing that you can do

is you can ask people

with genuine interest
how they are feeling.

And when you're asked,
answer with authenticity

when you feel good
but also when you feel bad,

so no "I'm fine", but also no complaining.

Instead of complaining
about your colleagues,

say, "I don't feel appreciated at work",
or whatever it comes down to -

make it an iMessage.

And when people show emotions,

tell them that it's okay to have those.

Talk about them.

Erase the taboo that I feel exists
in our society of talking about emotions,

because that's more often than not

the one thing that keeps us
from making the next step.

And the next step is differentiating
and analysing emotions.

So sometimes when we talk about
or express a feeling,

we substitute the original one
with one that we think we know better

or are better at handling.

But there are actually
a lot of different emotions

and all of them have their functions,

and all of them might also need you
to handle them differently.

Therefore, it's important
to get down to the core.

And then, you also need to accept
and appreciate all those emotions

because emotions are neither good nor bad.

They just gain connotation
through society.

Take, for example, grieving or sadness.

Why do we so desperately
try to cut it out of our lives?

Because actually, it's just
a very beautiful illustration

of the appreciation that we have
for someone or something.

Now, I approach all three steps

by writing my emotions down
in a journal just for that -

on need basis,

so not necessarily daily
but sometimes only every few weeks,

or maybe even only every few months.

Friends of mine do similar things
with apps if you want to be more modern.

And then there is the next step:

reflecting on your emotions
and their origin

because sometimes just knowing
why we feel the way you do

already helps us handle the feeling.

Again, for me covered
when I write them down

because it gives me time
to actively think about them.

And then you get to
handling your emotions,

because that’s what
it’s all about, isn’t it?

And as that, reflecting might
already suffice.

But it might not.

And you may still need to find your way
on how to handle your emotions.

Because there's more than
one way to skin a cat,

and I can only give you
a few examples of what I did.

And what helped me,

if not handle the emotion
but at least find out how to handle it ,

was writing it down

because it put distance
between me and my emotions.

There has even been a study conducted

on the positive effects
of written expression of emotions,

by Pennebaker and Smyth,

and they published it in their book
"Opening Up by Writing It Down",

if you want to check it out.

Because that's actually
another thing that I do:

I read on the topic.

Currently, I'm reading

"The Language of Emotions",
by Karla McLaren.

Literally any book
by Brené Brown is good to go,

but there are so many more.

And I talk to friends.

I ask them, How do you
approach this situation?

How do you approach
that topic or this emotion?

And then, it's more or less
a trial-and-error principle.

Sometimes it may be sports,

sometimes it may be meditation.

It's just important
that you find your individual way.

And then, handling the emotions of others.

And I'd say as soon as
you master your emotions,

but also in the process
of getting better at it,

you will find it easier and easier

to also handle the emotions of others

because you have
a different understanding.

And understanding
and awareness are the keys.

It gets even easier

because you can simply ask
the other person how you can support them

because they might know.

Or, you can also ask them
how they can support themselves,

because that way you know
only help them in the acute situation

but you actually help them
develop their emotional intelligence.

And then, when we have a few people
being emotionally intelligent,

we also need to think about
"How can we teach our next generation?"

And as a society, I feel the most
important thing that we need to do is

implement emotional education in school.

Teach children about the different
emotions and their functions.

Give them a space
to openly talk about them

so that they can
acknowledge their emotions.

Help them to accept and appreciate them.

To be honest, it's not that difficult.

Most of the things that I mention

can be easily put
into practice in schools.

I mean, how many books
have you read in school?

Why not make some of them
about emotional intelligence?

Or make kids work
on case studies together

so that they can exchange their ideas
on how to approach topics.

And if we're lucky,

they get out of school having learned
this fundamental and crucial skill

of emotional intelligence.

Imagine the world
that we would be living in.

If every one of us
was emotionally intelligent,

what do you think would change?

Being emotionally intelligent means

knowing and understanding yourself.

Thus, it helps you make better decisions.

It would spare us from
emotional suffering

because we know where it comes from

and we know how to handle it -

and maybe not even impose it upon others.

It would help us deal
with interpersonal relationships

because we also connect
on a different level.

And interpersonal relationships
are everywhere.

Just think about it.

What would it mean to have
an emotionally intelligent boss?

Or what would it mean to have
an emotionally intelligent parent?

If we were all emotionally intelligent,

how would we approach differences?

Or how would we approach topics
like mental health?

Or how would we approach conflicts?

Just imagine the world
that we would be living in -

a world full of mutual understanding,

acceptance, tolerance and connection -

a truly inclusive world.

How awesome would that be?

Thank you.

(Applause)