Talk to strangers | Sofia Gutierrez Boker | TEDxWCMephamHigh

In this delightful talk, a city teen talks about talking ... to strangers. In fact, she hops on the subway and talks to strangers for an entire day. The life lessons she learns are a lesson for all of us.
Sofia Gutierrez Boker (student/ blogger) is an innovator who is passionate about her blog called MNDAY BFAST, where she shares international breakfast recipes to kickstart the week with creativity. Sofia is the creator of the Chemistry of Cooking, a school club where she and her peers conduct experiments to explore the scientific explanations behind culinary questions such as "How does popcorn pop?" Sofia spends her weekends as a ski instructor, sharing her love of skiing with children. Adding even more dimension to her life, Sophia is an athlete on the varsity cross country track and field team at her school and has participated in art study programs at the Whitney Museum of Art in New York City.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Don’t talk to strangers!

Who’s heard that before?

This is what all of us hear
from our parents, teachers and our peers

when we are tiny.

And why?

According to Psychological Science,

children as young as seven

already evaluate trustworthiness
in strangers as accurately as adults do.

But still, for a fear of the unknown,

we try to avoid all
communication with strangers.

And I do have to commend us

because now, in the 21st century,

we have perfected the art
of not talking with strangers

through our tech gadgets.

Today, when we walk down the streets,

on our phones, with AirPods in our ears,

we pass people on the street
without even acknowledging their presence.

Because, why would we?

Are they going to introduce me
to my soulmate?

Are they going to find me my next job?

Probably not.

So it seems that having conversations
with strangers is a total waste of time.

And anyway, we are so busy.

Now, I want to convince you
of the opposite,

that speaking with strangers
and diving into the unknown

will improve your life tremendously,

both by giving you more opportunities
and connecting you with your community.

Now, imagine it is 8:30 in the morning,

and you click the elevator door

on the eighth floor
of your apartment building

to get to work.

You are coffee-in-hand,
and you walk into the elevator,

and all of a sudden, the elevator stops.

On the seventh floor.

A lady walks in with her two dogs.

What do you do?

A. Comment on the dogs:
"Oh, they’re so cute!"

B. Pull out your phone and pretend
to do something of utmost importance.

or C. Stand awkwardly,
sipping your coffee.

So just think to yourself,
and be completely honest,

who would pick option A?

I see you friendly folks out there!

And B?

And here, the masters of acting!

And C?

Ah yes! There are my fellow
awkward coffee sippers!

That used to be me until I was sipping
a latte with my aunt one afternoon.

She told me the story
of how she got her current job.

She was a financial advisor

and got an email one morning
telling her she was dismissed.

That week, she sent six applications
to different companies,

frantically trying to get a job.

Disillusioned, a month later,

she got on the elevator
after her Planet Fitness workout session.

There were two men in the elevator,

and she began to fuss
about the challenges of finding a job.

One of the men mentioned
that his wife worked for a headhunter

specializing in the area
she let him know she was interested in,

and gave her her number.

My aunt called the headhunter,

and within two weeks,
she had a job she loved.

All from speaking with a stranger
in an elevator, no less.

The average New York City
elevator ride lasts 118 seconds.

That’s it.

That’s what it can take
to spark a conversation

that leads to somewhere interesting
and different, even life-changing.

Inspired by my aunt’s story,

I decided to turn an opportunity
in the elevator that lasts 118 seconds

into an opportunity that lasts 8 hours.

I wanted to discover the stories
of fellow MTA commuters

by speaking with them.

I got on the 6 subway train
at 9 AM on 86th Street.

This was, naturally, pre-COVID-19.

And I stayed on the green line,
going up and down, until 5 PM.

A total of eight hours on the subway.

The entire time,

my goal was to speak
with people I had never met

and would likely never meet again.

I asked people the same question
to spark off a brief conversation:

"If this subway car
could take you anywhere,

where would you go?"

At times, the responses were a mixture
of a shrug of the shoulders

or pretending to get back
to a text message or a game,

Subway Surfer included.

It was easy to understand
the reticence to speak with a stranger.

I think several people thought
I was plausibly mad

and distanced themselves from me
as if I had the flu.

The people I did spark
a connection with, though,

shared fascinating responses
to my question.

I met a young man who answered me

by pointing up to an advertisement
in the car about holidaying in Florida.

He wanted the train to take him
to the white beaches and blue sea,

to share the spot with his boyfriend.

He wanted to get away
from the hurly-burly.

A totally different perspective
came from an older woman

who said she wanted
the subway to take her to Mars.

For all of her life, she loved astronomy,

and today, with the rise of astrobiology,

which she explained to me
means the study of life on planets,

she wanted to see for herself
the possibility of life on Mars.

So there I was,

sitting with this person
on the subway car

who was an Elon Musk-type visionary.

A third and final sample
from my more than 200 interactions

was of a mother of five children
who was expecting a sixth.

She told me she wanted
the subway car to take her home,

exactly where she was headed.

She wanted to open
the front door to her home

and feel the warm hugs of her children
after a long day in a small cubicle.

She hoped there wouldn’t be
a delay in the trains

for she was eager
to prepare dinner for her children,

their favorite: pasta with tomato sauce.

I wanted to join her for that too!

The average New Yorker spends
six hours commuting each week,

most of which takes place
in the company of fellow commuters.

That's fertile ground
to reach out to a stranger

and get some type of conversation going,

even if it's just to commend them
on something or other.

In fact, it's in everyone’s best interest.

A 2014 study conducted
by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder,

published in the Association
for Psychological Science,

found that commuters who spoke
with their fellow subway or bus riders

had a more positive
and equally productive commute.

Plus, we can always get
to beating our Candy Crush score later.

I got enough captivating stories
from my single question to write a book.

In class, I have found inspiration

for revisiting this childhood fear
of speaking with strangers.

One of my teachers found her soulmate
from one such interaction.

Check it out.

She was at the grocery store,
in the ice cream aisle,

trying to reach the top row

to get the Ben & Jerry’s
chocolate chip cookie dough flavor.

A man walks up to her
and offers to reach it for her.

He was six foot two.

He tells her that
it's his favorite flavor -

as is mine! -

and they start talking.

Cut the story short, my teacher
and the tall man exchange phone numbers,

and they grab coffee the following week

since they discover
they work near one another.

One thing leads to another,

and they are today celebrating
25 years married.

No doubt a thing of fortune,

and glad that their chance meeting
didn't happen today, during COVID-19,

where keeping six feet apart
may have meant lives never come together.

Let's hope we can restart
our social lives soon!

When we do, what will we do differently?

How will we come out of our hibernation?

What will we improve on,

learning from the importance of social
interactions from being starved of them?

Perhaps I can recommend a script
to help you along, if valuable.

You can start an interaction
by asking a fun question.

It's quirky, but you'd be surprised
how much people want to share.

What will you ask?

A. What is your favorite color?

B. If you could make a YouTube video
with one billion views,

what would it be about?

or C. If this subway car could take you
anywhere, where would you go?

When this pandemic ends,

as we once again fill the subway cars
and elevators and grocery stores,

let’s return and share the human energy

that we have missed
during this awful pandemic.

Make that some type of resolution.

Goodbye to awkward coffee sips
or pretense eyeing of your phone.

Reach out to a stranger instead.

Thank you.