Know your inner saboteurs | Shirzad Chamine | TEDxStanford

According to Shirzad Chamine, our positive intelligence quotient, PQ, measures the percentage of time our mind serves us well, not sabotages us. His work exposes ten well-disguised mental saboteurs and shares how to defeat them. While IQ and EQ (emotional intelligence) contribute to our maximum potential, it is PQ that determines how much of that potential we actually achieve.

Professor Shirzad Chamine is author of the New York Times' bestseller, "Positive Intelligence." Chamine is chairman emeritus of CTI, the largest coachtraining organization in the world. Formerly, he was CEO of an enterprise software company. His academic background includes PhD studies in neuroscience, a BA in psychology, an MS in electrical engineering and an MBA from Stanford.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx.

I'd like to start
by making one thing very clear.

I want you to know that I am

absolutely,

incredibly

and totally

awesome!

(Laughter) (Applause)

Now, before you start thinking
that I have a problem with humility,

which I don't,

(Laughter)

let me add something important.

I believe you, too, are awesome!

Is that better now?

(Audience) Yes.

(Applause)

But I also believe, based on my research,

that there is - no, it's me, okay.

But I also believe, based on my research,

that there's an 80% probability

that you have no idea
how truly magnificent you really are.

You used to know, but you've forgotten.

I'm here to show you

the science behind how you
gradually forget your true self,

your true potential,

and how you can rediscover and unleash

an even happier and more capable
version of yourself,

the true magnificent you!

Is that cool?

Great!

I lecture on this topic,
right here at Stanford,

and my work is based on extensive research
in neuroscience and psychology.

I'd like to show you
my most important evidence

proving that you used to know
how amazing you really are!

Would you like to see that evidence?

Well, here it is.

Do you think she knows
how magnificent she is?

Absolutely. She is radiating with it.

What about him?

Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

Every strand of his hair
knows how magnificent he is.

(Laughter)

And what about these two?

I know they know
because they are my precious kids,

Tisa and Kion.

The point is this:

you were born as a unique
and magnificent being

and you used to know it!

But what about this one?

Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

He actually has no clue;

he used to know,

but by the time this picture is taken,
he no longer remembers.

By the way, this is me.

Adorable, right?

(Laughter)

I told you.

(Laughter)

So why and how did I begin
to forget who I really am?

I was born a happy kid
in a troubled household.

I lived with four siblings and my parents
in a two-bedroom apartment in a ghetto.

My father was scary, angry
and unpredictably violent.

My mother was always
running around terrified.

I wasn't getting much love.

Now, since my life
was in my parents' hands,

it would've been absolutely terrifying
for me to admit that they were flawed.

So, instead, a voice
started forming in my head

and saying that my parents were perfect

and the reason they didn't love me
was because I was unworthy of their love.

I now call this voice the "Judge."

Of course, once the Judge
started judging me,

it also had to start judging
everybody else around me

so that I would be less terrified.

I grew up completely unaware

that this Judge character was beginning
to take control in my mind.

I only discovered it 27 years later

in an MBA class, right here at Stanford.

We were divided into groups
of 12 MBA students sitting in a circle,

sharing our emotions openly.

One of my classmates in the circle
turned to me and said nervously,

"Shirzad, this is really hard
for me to tell you,

but I often feel harshly judged by you,
and it really bothers me."

I turned to him and said,

"John, thank you so much
for telling me this.

This is very helpful feedback."

In the back of my mind, I was thinking,

"Well, of course you feel judged
by me, you idiot.

(Laughter)

You are the biggest loser in this group.

(Laughter)

How else do you expect me
to think of you?"

But then a second person, a third person
and a fourth person in the group

said exactly the same thing.

I kept thanking them politely

while thinking, "What losers,
blaming me for their insecurity."

I really - I did think
like that, trust me.

But somehow the fifth person
finally got through.

All of a sudden, I realized,

"Oh my God, they are right.
I judge everything instantly.

This Judge character in my head

was constantly and brutally
beating down not only others, but myself.

It was the invisible character in my head.

It was the invisible lens
that distorted my reality.

And that discovery changed my life.

Since this invisible character,
Judge character in my head,

secretly sabotaged me,

I called him a "Saboteur."

I later discovered that in addition
to the Judge Saboteur,

there are nine other Saboteurs,

like the Controller, Stickler and Victim.

Even in a perfectly happy childhood,

you still develop
a couple of these Saboteurs

as a coping mechanisms
as a vulnerable kid.

For example, you might develop
Controller tendencies

to feel safer in a chaotic environment

or become the Victim
to get more attention.

The problem is that these Saboteurs
become the invisible masters in your head,

just like my Judge had.

They pretend they are you,
but they aren't you.

That's how you forget who you really are.

A war is constantly raging
inside your head

between your Saboteurs
and your original true self,

whom I call your Sage.

These are based on entirely different
regions of your brain.

Your Saboteurs are based
on the survival-brain region,

which is made up mostly of the brain stem,
limbic system and parts of the left brain.

Your Sage is based
on the positive-intelligence brain,

which is made up mostly
of the middle prefrontal cortex,

ACC insular cortex
and parts of the right brain.

Here is a fascinating insight
and clue to your happiness.

Look at this: the survival-brain region
and its Saboteurs are wired,

are neurochemically wired
to feel stress and unhappiness.

They just can't help themselves.

If you want to feel consistently happier,

you must learn to strengthen your Sage
and weaken your Saboteurs.

It's just a matter
of neurochemical science.

One of the things
that I can guarantee you,

based on my experience,

is that you can achieve all the great
wealth and success in the world

and still feel deeply unhappy
because of your Saboteurs.

I once ran a leadership
development seminar

for more than 100 CEOs and presidents

who are all extremely successful
and look perfectly happy on the outside.

I told them, "Look, I have coached
too many successful CEOs and billionaires

to be still fooled by your facade
of confidence and happiness."

So I asked them to anonymously
write on an index card

one secret they never shared
about how they really felt inside.

With their permission,
I'd like to read some of those cards.

"I am terrified of failing
as the leader of my business."

"I am rarely at peace with myself."

"I fear dying of an early age
from overwork and stress."

"I am feeling very sad and lonely,

and the antidepressants I'm on
don't seem to be helping."

"I battle with constantly ranking
and judging everyone around me."

"I have no idea how
to truly connect with my only son."

"My air of confidence is false."

"I am self-destructive,
and I don't know why."

"I don't love myself very much."

"I lack strength in resisting
temptations and desires."

"I often feel like I'm a fraud."

"I worry my materialism
is hurting my children."

"I have been abusing drugs and alcohol
to deal with stress."

I wish I could run away
for one year - just be alone."

And finally,

"I'm afraid of ending up like my father,

who is unloved and will die alone."

This is the story of our lives, folks.

I have worked with people
ranging from these CEOs

to people on the manufacturing floor
without high school diplomas.

Regardless of our level
of wealth or success,

these Saboteurs are still there,
tormenting us.

I used to think I was particularly
broken and screwed up.

What a relief to discover

that we are all screwed up
by our Saboteurs.

(Laughter)

So, who are these Saboteurs?

In my research,

I have classified the Saboteurs
based on their motivation

for independence, acceptance or security

and their style of assert, earn or avoid.

This grid shows
the gang of nine Saboteurs.

They are Controller,
Hyper-Achiever, Restless,

Stickler, Pleaser, Hyper-Vigilant,

and Avoider, Victim, Hyper-Rational.

What a cast of characters.

(Laughter)

Everyone has the master Judge Saboteur

in addition to at least one
from this gang of nine.

Now, before you are able
to weaken these Saboteurs,

you need to be able to catch them
in your head, red-handed.

Imagine that you're in the middle
of an important project

and have just learned that you've
completely failed the midway milestones.

Here is how some of your Saboteurs
in your head might be talking.

Judge -

"Oh, I'm a loser, just a stupid loser.

Everything will start crashing down now."

Controller -

"But my way's always the right way.

Someone else must have screwed up."

(Laughter)

Victim -

"Oh, they did it to me again.

Just watch. That next lightning
will be striking right here!"

Ow, that hurt.

(Laughter)

Stickler -

"I knew it! That report cover
used the wrong shade of blue."

Avoider -

"Oh, there's still plenty of time.
I wonder where I should go for lunch.

(Laughter)

Hyper-Vigilant -

(Laughter)

That's me tearing my hair out -
if I still had any.

And so on with the other five Saboteurs.

Now, once you catch
a Saboteur in your mind,

what you want to do

is just label that thought
as "Saboteur" and let it go

instead of trusting it or pursuing it.

Just notice the difference
between me saying "I will fail tomorrow"

versus "My pesky Judge Saboteur
says I'll fail tomorrow."

You feel the difference?

You weaken your Saboteurs
by exposing and labeling them.

Now, how would your Sage respond
in the same exact scenario?

One of the most brilliant things
about your Sage is the Sage perspective.

Every outcome or circumstance
can be turned into an opportunity.

So you ask, "How do I turn my failure
in this project into an opportunity?"

This perspective changes everything.

With this perspective, you keep
the positive-intelligence brain activated,

which gives you access
to five great Sage powers.

Empathize.

Your Sage knows

that beating yourself down
when you're already down

is absolutely insane.

So you feel compassion for yourself
and others as fallible humans.

This keeps you energized and positive.

Explore.

You become the fascinated
explorer kid in the woods,

turning over every rock
to see what's underneath it.

You become fascinated to discover

all the factors contributing
to your project's failure.

You discover things
you couldn't have seen

if you were upset or defensive.

Innovate.

You become the innovative kid
on the beach, building sandcastles again.

Since your positive-intelligence brain
is wired for creativity,

you can take all of these discoveries
about your project's failure

into creative new solutions
for the project.

And in the interest of time,
you then navigate by choosing a direction

and move into fearless, bold action.

Your Sage performs a lot better
and remains positive

even in the middle of this crisis.

Now, you would only be able
to perform this way

if you have strong Sage muscles.

Functional MRI of the brain shows

that one technique
to build powerful Sage muscles

is to shift your attention
to one physical sensation for ten seconds

a few times every hour,

a few reps an hour.

This leads to some
surprising recommendations.

For example, if you want
to perform better in your job,

then really, really taste
that bite of your crunchy apple,

really see the hundred shades of color
in your friend's eyes,

or hug your loved one so attentively
that you feel her heartbeat.

This, surprisingly,
sounds too good to be true

until you study the neuroscience evidence.

In order to track your progress,
we can now actually measure

the strength of your Sage muscles
versus your Saboteurs',

based on your emotions
in a typical 24-hour period.

We have defined this ratio

as your positive intelligence
quotient or "PQ."

Independent researchers have now shown

that with increased PQ,
people are far happier and less stressed.

They also perform much better.

For example, almost 40% better in sales

and a third better
in team performance metrics.

Everyone can learn to strengthen
their Sage muscles with a little practice.

And finally,

you can help strengthen the Sage
in your loved ones.

Unlike my daughter, Tisa,
my son, Kion, loves tickling.

So I have invented a game with him

where I start tickling him and stop
only if he gives me all the right answers.

So I start tickling him and ask,

"Kion, why do I love you so much?"

He has learned to say, and he says,

"I don't know, Daddy.
Why do you love me so much?"

I ask, "Is it because you're so handsome?"

I know, it's his mother's genes - right? -
you don't have to tell me that.

(Laughter)

And he has learned to say, and he says,

"No, Daddy, it isn't
because I am handsome."

I ask, "Is it because
you get good grades?"

"No, Daddy, it isn't."

"Is it because you're good in sports?"
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

So I go down a long list
of his great qualities,

and he keeps saying,
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

So at the end,
I pretend great frustration,

and I say, "So why is it, Kion,
why do I love you so much?"

And he has learned to say, and he says,

"Daddy, it's because I am me!"

Daddy, it's because I am me!

His beautiful true self, his Sage.

What about you?

What would life be like

if you fully reclaimed
your beautiful true self,

your Sage?

What would be the gift of that to you,
to your loved ones, to our world?

What would become possible then?

You are a special, unique
and magnificent being!

It's time for you to remember!

Thank you.

(Applause)