Milton Berle Show Clips Texaco openings and Monologues (1949)

[siren, bells, then music]

[singing] Oh, we're the man of
Texaco.

We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

this Texaco of ours.

Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

you with an hour full of howls from a

shower full of stars.

We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

servicing your cars.

I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

knock. I jack the back.
I set the clock. Go

join the ranks of those who know and

fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

And you will smile at the pile of new

miles you will add.

Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

your car has ever had.
[drumroll]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

introducing television's number one star,

the man America discovered,

Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

[whistle]
Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

Thank you and good evening,
good evening, ladies

and gentlemen. [laughter]
Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

Columbus, 1492.

What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?
[laughter]

Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.
She's cackling.

How do you like it?

How do you like that? Ha ha.

My mother didn't show up.
[laughter]

I don't like those telescopes.
Give me these.

That's the kind I like.
[laughter] Ahhhhhh!

I am the - !
[laughter]

What the hey?!
[laughter]

How do you like it?
Don't I look good, huh?

[applause]
You, uh, don't applaud.

Don't applaud.

You've heard of Ezio Penza?
I look like

his brother, Safety Penza.
[play on words "safety pens"]

[laughter]
It's awful chilly around here.

i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

these past few nights,
I had to get up in

the middle of night,
take off my socks.

You know, it's really,
[laughter]

I really feel you. How
do you like the socks?

Smart socks.
Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

[laughter]
There's not a run in either one of them.

But it is
[laughter]

It is really
[applause]

[whistle] Please, no!
[applause]

I - oh, incidentally,
before I go any

further, is there
anybody in the

audience from Brooklyn?
[I am!] You are? How do

you feel?
[gunshot, then audience laughter]

Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,
[laughter]

I wanna', I feel good.
I really, ohhhhh.

you're breaking my
heart 'cause you're leaving

and you're taking
the furniture, too.

Thank you.
[applause]

Before going further,
I want to sit with

this lady down here.
Please, would you do,

the tall lady, will
you, will you? The man

behind you can't see the show.
[laughter]

Will you remove your head, please?
[laughter]

I, uh, oh, before I to
any further, I want

to try something new
tonight. Somebody, uh,

uh. How about having
all the married men

and women in the
audience stand up, huh?

Every married man, come
on, stand up, will you?

Come on, stand up.

Stand up [stomp] please.
[laughter]

[clap clap clap]
Stand up.

Okay.

All right, now back
to me. Wait a minute,

stay there, stay there.
[laughter]

You fools, stay there!
[laughter]

Wait a minute.

now, wait a minute.
I'm trying something.

Please. Stand, will
you stand up please?

[laughter]
Now, all the, all the married,

married men

everybody all the single girls stand up

and the married women sit down

now all the married men sit down and the

single men stand up

now we have all the single man and

single ladies

what are you waiting for

welcome to bride and groom

we you really we really have a very well

i feel good now

we have this man down here you're

embarrassing me you can't come in here

undressed i really mean that this man

down here

i was only kidding if i've said anything

to insult you i offer you my humble

i like it all right we kid everybody

that comes in here who's your favorite

comedian bob hope

where everybody go oh we we're going to

present a very wonderful show tonight

and the show is so long we want you to

sit back and relax and you folks that

are watching a show in chicago and

cincinnati in detroit have we got a show

tonight that we got a show have we got a

show

i would like to introduce as our first

surprise one of the most sensational

troops ever to appear on a television

show it's very difficult on such a small

stage to do this act but oh they're

wonderful ladies and gentlemen may i

represent you

oh we're the men of mexico we work from

maine to mexico there's nothing like

this texaco of ours

our show tonight is powerful we'll wow

you with an hour full of house from a

shower full of stars

where the merry texan coming tonight we

may be show men tomorrow we'll be

servicing your cars

i wipe the pipe i pump the gas i rub the

hub i scrub the glass i touch the clutch

i'm off the top i poke the choke i sell

the pop i clear the gear i block the

knock i jack the back i set the clock so

join the ranks of those who know and

fill your tanks with textile

sky team fill up with sky team and you

will smile at the pile of new miles you

will have

fire chief fill up with fire teeth

you'll find that texaco's the finest

friend your car has ever had

and now ladies and gentlemen

introducing america's number one

television star

your tuesday night

melton

thank you

don't laugh lady this is my neck what

are you your husbands

fine how do i look tell us i want don't

applaud all right

hold it

i a little tired out he's been working

like a man all day i do uh

you've been working like a man i can see

you're gonna be lousy good night

i want to tell you i really i really

feel don't i look funny i look like an

advanced agent for margaret truman's

concerts

incidentally a report just come over

here that margaret truman just gave

carmen lombardo 24 hours to get out of

town

24 and i'm giving you two minutes

thank you very much thank you mother

stay in the end

my mother she's here how do you feel all

right take a boo

she's

loaded with money with money

i wanted to tell you don't mother told

me there'd be nights like this i better

take this off no kidding would you do me

a favor and take this

thank you

thank you

it's me milton

didn't you know it was me

i want to tell you

you heard of henry v i look like burl

after the eighth

i lost that up i told that in the cereal

tan way backwards but this um

but this i feel happy tonight after all

what is happiness you can't buy money

with it but it is peculiar you can't buy

money with it there's a bus leaving it

is peculiar

what's a musician coming in now it's a

little late hey what are you coming in

next time

that's all right i'll buy you another

one i'll buy another you go over the

world that says tell them i sent you and

they'll give you in my regards ladies

and gentlemen

i'm only kidding you got a strong union

i'd like you to meet the conductor of

our orchestra tonight if he's a

conductor i want to transfer he's really

wonderful

alan roth let's give him a big

we have we have a very long show we're

going to get started tonight and all you

boys and girls do you like me don't i

look don't i look like my knighthood

wasn't flower tonight we're going don't

applaud at everything i say take down

the applause cards ladies ladies and

germs ladies and gentlemen

i would like to introduce our first of

all we have such a long show we want to

get the whole show in tonight ladies and

gentlemen like induce our first surprise