brian regan UPS

We just moved.

I

called UPS

to ask them to help out with some boxes.

Now they're a good service,

but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them.

I had no idea.

I called them up.

“Yeah, I have ten boxes, could you come pick them up?”

“We need to know the weight and the girth.” [LAUGHTER]

"OK,

goodbye."

So, I call back,

"We need the weight and the girth.”

"OK,

I don’t know what the weight is

and

and I don’t know what girth means. [LAUGHTER]

So, now what's the procedure?"

So, this guy talks to me like I'm 4 years old.

“Well,

do you have a bathroom

scale.”

Yeah,

but if I put the box on a scale,

it's going to cover up the numbers. [LAUGHTER]

What do I take them off really quick?

[LAUGHTER]

Zero!

I’m not fast enough.

What's he talking about?

So, then he gives me like his Mr.

Wizard formula.

How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself,

get off the scale,

pick up the box,

get back on,

weigh you and the box together and subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "slow down!"

Hold on,

professor.

I know this guy's never tried this because I

tried it and you still can't see the numbers! [LAUGHTER]

What am I?

Mr.

Olympia.

3 pounds.

Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.

He kept assuring me it was easy.

"You know,

the girth is very simple to figure out.

You take the length and you double that by the smaller of

the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side."

“Okay,

I got to go.”

I'm getting another call.

Yeah,

I'm too stupid to talk to you.

I just

want to not be on with you any longer.

So, this is true.

I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers,

you know.

Let them come out and pick them up.

If it's wrong,

I'll pay the difference.

Just

dispatch the truck. [LAUGHTER]

Please.

So, I called back,

yeah,

I

have 10 boxes

and—

no,

I'm another guy. [LAUGHTER]

Yeah,

and they all weigh exactly

22 pounds and they'll have a girth of

“Three what?”

“Three girth units.”

"Come pick them up,

please.

I'm,

I'm begging you.

They're

boxes and they're brown

and they have tape all on them

and they probably fit on a dolly." [LAUGHTER].

Why must you torture me?