Milton Berle Show Clips Texaco openings and Monologues (1949)

[siren, bells, then music]

[singing] Oh, we're the man of
Texaco.

We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

this Texaco of ours.

Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

you with an hour full of howls from a

shower full of stars.

We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

servicing your cars.

I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

knock. I jack the back.
I set the clock. Go

join the ranks of those who know and

fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

And you will smile at the pile of new

miles you will add.

Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

your car has ever had.
[drumroll]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

introducing television's number one star,

the man America discovered,

Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

[whistle]
Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

Thank you and good evening,
good evening, ladies

and gentlemen. [laughter]
Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

Columbus, 1492.

What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?
[laughter]

Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.
She's cackling.

How do you like it?

How do you like that? Ha ha.

My mother didn't show up.
[laughter]

I don't like those telescopes.
Give me these.

That's the kind I like.
[laughter] Ahhhhhh!

I am the - !
[laughter]

What the hey?!
[laughter]

How do you like it?
Don't I look good, huh?

[applause]
You, uh, don't applaud.

Don't applaud.

You've heard of Ezio Penza?
I look like

his brother, Safety Penza.
[play on words "safety pens"]

[laughter]
It's awful chilly around here.

i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

these past few nights,
I had to get up in

the middle of night,
take off my socks.

You know, it's really,
[laughter]

I really feel you. How
do you like the socks?

Smart socks.
Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

[laughter]
There's not a run in either one of them.

But it is
[laughter]

It is really
[applause]

[whistle] Please, no!
[applause]

I - oh, incidentally,
before I go any

further, is there
anybody in the

audience from Brooklyn?
[I am!] You are? How do

you feel?
[gunshot, then audience laughter]

Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,
[laughter]

I wanna', I feel good.
I really, ohhhhh.

you're breaking my
heart 'cause you're leaving

and you're taking
the furniture, too.

Thank you.
[applause]

Before going further,
I want to sit with

this lady down here.
Please, would you do,

the tall lady, will
you, will you? The man

behind you can't see the show.
[laughter]

Will you remove your head, please?
[laughter]

I, uh, oh, before I to
any further, I want

to try something new
tonight. Somebody, uh,

uh. How about having
all the married men

and women in the
audience stand up, huh?

Every married man, come
on, stand up, will you?

Come on, stand up.

Stand up [stomp] please.
[laughter]

[clap clap clap]
Stand up.

Okay.

All right, now back
to me. Wait a minute,

stay there, stay there.
[laughter]

You fools, stay there!
[laughter]

Wait a minute.

now, wait a minute.
I'm trying something.

Please. Stand, will
you stand up please?

[laughter]
Now, all the, all the married,

married men, uh

everybody. All the single
girls, stand up and the

married women sit down.
[laughter]

Now all the married men
sit down and the

single men stand up.
[laughter]

Now we have all
the single man and

single ladies.

What are you waiting for?
[laughter]

Welcome to bride and groom.
[laughter and applause]

This is - no. We, we really,
we really have a very -

Oh, I feel good! [yells]
[laughter]

We have - this man
down here, you're

embarrassing me.
You can't come in here

undressed. I really mean
that. [laughter] This man

down here. [laughter]

Thank you. Thank you.
I'm only kidding, sir.

[unintelligible]
if i've said anything

[laughter]
I was only kidding. I I said

anything to insult you,
I offer you my humble.

[laughter]

I like you, sir. All right.
We, we kid everybody

that comes in here.
Who's your favorite

comedian?
Bob Hope. [screaming laughter]

Hi.
[laughter]

Where'd everybody go?
Oh, we, we're going to

present a very
wonderful show tonight

and the show is so
long, we want you to

sit back and relax
and you folks that

are watching the show
in Chicago and

Cincinnati and Detroit,
have we got a show

tonight, have we got
a show! Have we got a

show? [laughter]
I would like to

introduce as our first

surprise, one of the most sensational

troops ever to appear on a television

show. It's very
difficult on such a small

stage to do this act,
but, oh, they're

wonderful. Ladies and
gentlemen may I

present you -

[siren, then bell]
[music]

[singing] Oh, we're the men of
Texaco. We work from

Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

this Texaco of ours.

Our show tonight
is powerful. We'll wow

you with an hour
full of howls from a

shower full of stars.

We're the merry Texaco-
men. Tonight we

may be showmen.
Tomorrow we'll be

servicing your cars.

I wipe the pipe. I pump
the gas. I rub the

hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

I mop the top. I
poke the choke. I sell

the pop. I clear
the gear. I block the

knock. I jack the
back. I set the clock. So

join the ranks of those who know and

fill your tanks with Texaco.

Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you

will smile at the pile of new miles you

will have.

Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

You'll find that Texaco's the finest

friend your car has ever had.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

introducing America's number one

television star,

your Tuesday night,

Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

Ahhh! Ahhh!
Thank you. [laughter]

Don't laugh, lady.
This is my nag. What

are you, your husband's?
[laughter]

Fine. How do I look?
Tell us, I want -

Don't applaud.
[applause] It's all right.

Don't applaud. Hold it.

I - a little tired out.
He's been working

like a man all day.
I do, uh [laughter]

Been working like
a man. I can see

you're gonna' be
lousy. Good night.

[laughter]

I want to tell you,
I really, I really

feel - don't I look
funny? I look like an

advanced agent
for Margaret Truman's

concerts.
[laughter]

Incidentally, a report
just come over

here that Margaret
Truman just gave

Carmen Lombardo
24 hours to get out of

town.
[laughter]

He said 24. And
I'm giving you 2 minutes.

[laughter] Thank you very
much. Thank you, mother.

Stay in. The end.

My mother. She's here.
How do you feel? All

right? Take a boo.
[laughter]

She's loaded.

With money, with money.
[laughter]

I want to tell you, tell the joke.
Don't I. My mother told

me there'd be nights
like this. I better

take this off. Okay.
Would you do me

a favor and take this?

thank you

Thank you.
Take it!

Thank you.
It's me, Milton.

[applause]
Didn't you know? It was me!

I want to tell you, I -

you heard of Henry V.
I look like Burle

after the eighth.
[laugher]

I loused that up.
I told that in a [unintelligible]

way, backwards. But this, um,

but this - I feel happy
tonight. After all

what is happiness?
You can't buy money

with it, but it is peculiar.
You can't buy money

with it. There's
a bus leaving.

It is peculiar -

what's a musician
coming in now? It's a

little late. Hey, what
are you coming in now?

[laughter]

Next time you come in late.
[smash!, then laughter]

That's all right.
I'll buy you another

one. I'll buy another.
You go over to Wurlitzer's,

tell them i sent you and

they'll give you my
regards. Ladies

and gentlemen.
[laughter]

I'm only kidding.
You got a strong union.

I'd like you to
meet the conductor

of our orchestra tonight.
If he's a

conductor, I want a
transfer. He's really

wonderful

Alan Roth.
Let's give him a big hand.

[cheering and applause]

We have, we have a
very long show we're

going to get started
tonight and all you

boys and girls. Do
you like me? Don't I

look, don't I look
like the knight

who was in flower
tonight. We're going - don't

applaud at everything
I say. Take down

the applause cards.
Ladies, ladies and

germs, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to
introduce our first -

but we have such a
long show, we want to

get the whole show
in tonight. Ladies and

gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce our first surprise.