How not to take things personally | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen

Good evening, Good evening
How are you?

Are you good?

Great, welcome welcome
welcome to this match

this match will take exactly 18 minutes.

And you all part of the same team

Hey guys, I would like to see fair play
on the field, respect, and positivity.

Is that ok for everyone?

Cool. Good luck.

One year ago, I decided I wanted to become
a football referee,

um, it's not because of the money though
I only get paid 20 euros per match.

So, I won't really get rich by it rely.

Now, I decided to become a referee
for 2 other reasons.

One, do things go cheap?
Two, because I wanted to learn

How not to take things personally?

I can see some people nodding,
you're probably thinking being a referee

is a perfect environment to learn
how not to take things personally?

Isn't it?

Because, expectators hardly ever shouted encouraging or positive things.

No.
What do they shout?

Come on, come on.

[Loser, Are you blind?]
Yeah, good good.

As a referee, I am discabed goat.

Apparently, I'm always wrong.
It's always my fault.

And I wanted to learn
how not to take all of this personally.

Because I really struggle with this.

For example, when I drive slowly
because I'm trying to find this specific location.

And somebody is just driving behind me,
I feel hunted,

especially when they start honking,
and flashing their headlines.

[Sigh]

I take personally.
I know, I shouldn't.

But it just happens, do you see what I mean?

Or when somebody cancels
an appointment last minute

I get the feeling that
I'm not important enough.

Again, I take it personally.

Even professionally.

I'm a public speaker like tonight,
this is what I do,

I give keynotes speeches
and I really like it

as long as I can draw my audience into my story

because the very, the very moment I see somebody is not paying attention
for example somebody is looking at his smartphone

it just happens, I take it personally.

Relax, you're all safe tonight.

Don't worry, feel free to take your smartphones and you can even start talking to your neighbor.

I will not take it personally.
Why not?

Because now, here and now, I'm very conscious that this can happen
and more importantly I have a strategies to deal with it.

So tonight I would like to share this strategy with you

Are you interested?
Cool.

Because I guess I am not the only person in this room who sometimes take things personally, right?

Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies,
and she replied:

- Oh sorry, I have to work.

But you see a picture on social media of her having dinner with some friends, that's very nice.

Or imagine you really have worked very hard on project.
You really proud of the end results.

But the only thing you get is criticism.
So you come home and would like to wind down and share

this terrible experience.
But while you're telling your story

the other one walks away, to switch on the TV.

Now, who would take one of these situations personally.
Show me hands, come on.

Lots of you.

Why?
Why do we take things personally?

Somebody said or does something, and
BAM!

We feel hurt, neglected, of offended, betrayed by the other one,
that's what we believe though.

It's the other person's fault.
He's responsible for what we feel.

He's the one to blame.
Now, hang on, hang on.

Who said that?
Which part of us is speaking?

It's our ego.
Our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration.

Our ego doesn't want to be criticize.
Hell, no.

Our ego wants to be acknowledged and right.

(Sigh)

Is this what you want?
Do you want to be right?

(Sigh)
That's exhausting.

When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day.
I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world.

And it drains my energy.

Would it be so much easier to not take things personally?

Because then, no one has power over you.

You're free, you experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people.

Of course, because your energy can go to a nice things.

Instead of enlessly battling against things that drive you crazy.

So, the question is?
Do you want to be right?

Or do you want to be happy?

I know what some of you are thinking,

I wil make sure I will be happy by
being right?

Well, how do you do it?

How to become happy by not taking things personally?

You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life

The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally

So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides

has or too

They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally.

Sir, sir, good evening.
You're the captain of this huge team.

You can choose, has to tails?

Has
You're lucky, it's has.

Are you ready for the first strategy?
Ok, here it come.

First strategy.
It's not about me.

What do you mean it's not about me?
This sounds weird.

Doesn't it?
Because when I take things personally,

I'm convinced it is about me.
When I see someone is looking at his phone,

I feel offended.
I think:

Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation

I want to be respected.
I think me, myself and I.

Sound familiar, no?
Yeah.

But in fact, it isn't about me.
What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective?

Asking myself, Why?
Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone?

Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for.

Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be?

Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone.

Very smart to do that by the way.

I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We.

And I won't take it personally.

If I try to see the attention of the other one

I make space from the standing instead of irritation.

Does this ring a bell with you?

When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to

he throws himself on the floor,
kicking and streaming

"I hate you".
Do you take it personally?

No, you don't.
Because you know this is not about me,

this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer.

That's all.

So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me.

Look at the other person's intention.

When a driver