How not to take things personally | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen

Good evening, Good evening
How are you?

Are you good?
Great.

Welcome welcome
welcome to this match.

This match will take exactly 18 minutes.
And you're all part of the same team:

Mechelen.

Ok.

Hey guys, I would like to see fair play
on the field, respect, and positivity.

Is that ok for everyone?
Cool. Good luck.

One year ago, I decided I wanted
to become a football referee,

not because of the money though

I only get paid 20 euros per match.

So, I won't really get rich by it.
Will I? No.

I decided to become a referee
for 2 other reasons:

One, to stay in good shape.
Two, because I wanted to learn

How not to take things personally?

I can see some people nodding,
you're probably thinking being a referee

is a perfect environment to learn
how not to take things personally.

Isn't it?

Because the spectators hardly ever
shouted encouraging or positive things.

No.
What do they shout?

Come on, come on.

[Loser, Are you blind?]
Yeah, yeah good.

As a referee, I'm the scapegoat.

Apparently, I'm always wrong.
It's always my fault.

And I wanted to learn
how not to take all this personally.

Because I really struggle with this.

For example, when I drive slowly, because
I'm trying to find this specific location,

and somebody is just driving behind me,
I feel hunted,

especially when they start honking,
and flashing their headlights.

[Sigh]

I take it personally.
I know, I shouldn't.

But it just happens,
do you see what I mean?

Or when somebody cancels
an appointment last minute

I get the feeling that
I'm not important enough.

Again, I take it personally.

Even professionally.

I'm a public speaker like tonight.
This is what I do.

I give keynote speeches
and I really like it

as long as I can draw my audience
into my story.

Because the very, the very moment
I see somebody

is not paying attention, for example,
when somebody is looking at his smartphone

it just happens.
I take it personally.

Relax! You are safe tonight.
Don't worry.

Feel free to take your smartphones

and you can even start talking to
your neighbor.

I will not take it personally.
Why not?

Because now, here and now,

I'm very conscious that this can happen

and more importantly
I have a strategy to deal with it.

So tonight, I would like
to share this strategy with you

Are you interested?
Cool.

Because I guess I am not the only person
in this room who sometimes

take things personally,
Right?

Imagine you invite a friend to go to
the movies and she replies:

"Oh sorry, I have to work."

But you see a picture on social media

of her having dinner with some friends,
that very night.

Or imagine you really have worked
very hard on a project.

You're really proud of the end results.

But the only thing you get is criticism.

So you come home and would like
to wind down and share

this terrible experience.

But while you're telling your story

the other one walks away,
to switch on the TV.

Now, who would take one of these
situations personally.

Show me hands, come on.

Lots of you.
Why?

WHY DO WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY?

Somebody says or does something,
and BAM!

We feel hurt, neglected, offended,
betrayed by the other one.

That's what we believe, though.

It's the other person's fault.
He's responsible for what we feel.

He's the one to blame.
Now, hang on, hang on.

Who said that?
Which part of us is speaking?

It's our ego.
Our ego thinks that

others should take us
into consideration.

Our ego doesn't want to be criticized.
Hell, no.

Our ego wants to be acknowledged.
I'm right.

(Sigh)

Is this what you want?
Do you want to be right?

(Sigh)
That's exhausting.

When my ego takes over,
I'm fighting all day.

I'm in a constant struggle
with the rest of the world.

And it drains my energy.

Wouldn't it be so much easier
to not take things personally?

Because then, no one
has power over you.

You're free.

You experience much more
harmony and connection

between you and other people.

Of course, because your energy
can go towards nice things,

instead of endlessly battling
against things that drive you crazy.

So, the question is:
Do you want to be right?

Or do you want to be happy?

I know what some of you are thinking,

I will make sure I will be happy
by being right?

Well, how do you do it?

How to become happy by
not taking things personally?

You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life

The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally

So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides

has or too

They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally.

Sir, sir, good evening.
You're the captain of this huge team.

You can choose, has to tails?

Has
You're lucky, it's has.

Are you ready for the first strategy?
Ok, here it come.

First strategy.
It's not about me.

What do you mean it's not about me?
This sounds weird.

Doesn't it?
Because when I take things personally,

I'm convinced it is about me.
When I see someone is looking at his phone,

I feel offended.
I think:

Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation

I want to be respected.
I think me, myself and I.

Sound familiar, no?
Yeah.

But in fact, it isn't about me.
What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective?

Asking myself, Why?
Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone?

Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for.

Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be?

Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone.

Very smart to do that by the way.

I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We.

And I won't take it personally.

If I try to see the attention of the other one

I make space from the standing instead of irritation.

Does this ring a bell with you?

When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to

he throws himself on the floor,
kicking and streaming

"I hate you".
Do you take it personally?

No, you don't.
Because you know this is not about me,

this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer.

That's all.

So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me.

Look at the other person's intention.

When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry

It's not about me
You see?

It's as simple as that in theory.

Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job.

Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day?

50,000.
And guess how many of them are positive?

Only 10,000.

So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts.

That's a lot, isn't it?

When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other

And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing

Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too."

Now, what do you think:

"Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me."

So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say:

"Hang on! I have no clue."

They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me.

So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training

And that's why I became a referee.

To train my brain not to take things personally.

I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies.

And before the match I'm warming up

not only physically but also mentally

I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room

"Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision

who someone not agree with.

and they will shout and blessing things at you

so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me."

"They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win."

You see?
When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally

when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with

I feel much more ideas on the field

when the coach the players or the spectators

do not agree with my decision

I'm less easily to throw off balance

this strategy lady and gentleman works.

Not always unfortunately.

Because some words they shout at me like here:

"Dude, really hit the road nerve?"

"You're a loser, choose another hobby!"

"You know what? Go fishing."

Ouch

"Maybe they're all right."

"Perhaps I took the wrong position."

"Maybe I am a loser."

Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes.

You see this?

Every coin has a flip side.

When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work.

It simply means "It is about me."

I have to look in the mirror and question myself

I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer.

It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself.

All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with.

You see my point lady and gentleman?

Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry

I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light.

So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly.

I'm aware of it.

I just don't like that clumsy part of myself.

Why else would I take it personally?

Right?

When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange.

Who would take this personally?

No one, right?
Why not?

Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange.

An orange?
Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that.

Which a luckily not the case with me.

But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish."

Ouch

I do take it personally.

and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it.

come honest

i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs.

when you are being critisized, and it hurts.

chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood

maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10.

hey, and why another 10?

you see

we can only take things personally

if it somehow touches a roll nerve

and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy.

Oh, this hurts darn.

I logging so hard for recognition.

I feel sad if I don't get it.

You see

and you can also, why not, speak up?

just tell the other one what's going on inside you

hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV

it feels like you don't care about my story

it's not nice

by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one

you increase the chance that the other one with understand you

and take your needs into account.

You see what I mean

To conclude

how not to take things personally?

one, it is not about me.
Look at the other person's intention.

If that doesn't work.

Two, It is about me.
Give yourself empathy, and speak up.

Lady and gentleman.

Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally

within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies.

imagine

just imagine

we could all put this in practice

wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously

together we could create a better world

wouldn't that be great

and as a referee I even earn some money by it

Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally?

show me hands

show me hand.

oh, so many.

who still want a 20 euros now?

who still want a 20 euros now?

who still want a 20 euros now?

and who still want these now?

why you still want these 20 euros now?

- Because it still comes to you.

People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you.

They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you.

but remember whatever they do or say

you'll always keep your value.

Thank you.