How not to take things personally | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen

Frederik Imbo studied theatre at the Royal Conservatory of Ghent and has acted in lots of television series. He founded Imboorling and now has over 15 years' experience in stimulating and supporting people. With the aim of improving their communication skills, Frederik gives presentations, workshops, training courses and personal coaching sessions to anyone prepared to make their two ears available.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

(Referee whistle sound)

Good evening!

Good evening. How are you?

Are you good? Great!

Welcome, welcome, welcome to this match.

This match will take exactly 18 minutes.

OK? And you're all part of the same team:

Mechelen.

OK?

Hey guys, I would like to see
fair play on the field,

respect and positivity.

Is that OK for everyone?

Cool.

Good luck!

One year ago, I decided
I wanted to become a football referee.

Not because of the money, though.

I only get paid 20 euros per match.

So I won't really get rich by it, will I?

No. I decided to become a referee
for two other reasons.

One - to stay in good shape.

Two - because I wanted to learn
how not to take things personally.

[How not to take things personally?]

I can see some people nodding.

You are probably thinking,

"Being a referee
is the perfect environment

to learn how not to take
things personally, isn't it?"

Because the spectators hardly ever
shout encouraging or positive things.

No. What do they shout?

Come on, come on.

[Audience:] "Loser! Are you blind?"

Yeah, yeah, good!

As a referee, I am the scapegoat.

Apparently, I'm always wrong.

It's always my fault.

And I wanted to learn
how not to take all this personally.

Because I really struggle with this.

For example, when I drive slowly

because I'm trying to find
a specific location

and somebody is just
driving behind me,

I feel hunted.

Especially when they start honking
and flashing their headlights,

I take it personally.

I know I shouldn't, but it just happens.

Do you see what I mean?

Or when somebody cancels
an appointment last minute,

I get the feeling
that I'm not important enough.

Again, I take it personally.

Even professionally.

I'm a public speaker, like tonight.

This is what I do.

I give keynote speeches,
and I really like it

as long as I can draw
my audience into my story.

Because the very moment
I see somebody is not paying attention -

for example, when somebody
is looking at his smartphone -

(snap) it just happens:

I take it personally.

Relax!

You are safe tonight. Don't worry.

Feel free to take your smartphones,

and you can even start talking
to your neighbor.

I will not take it personally.

Why not?

Because now, here and now,
I'm very conscious that this can happen.

And more importantly,
I have a strategy to deal with it.

So tonight, I would like to share
this strategy with you.

Are you interested?

Cool.

Because, I guess, I'm not
the only person in this room

who sometimes takes
things personally, right?

Imagine -

imagine you invite a friend
to go to the movies, and she replies,

"Oh, sorry, I have to work."

But you see a picture on social media

of her having dinner
with some friends that very night!

Or imagine you really have worked
very hard on a project.

You're really proud of the end result,

but the only thing you get is criticism.

So you come home,

and you would like to wind down
and share this terrible experience.

But while you're telling your story,

the other one walks away
to switch on the TV.

Now, who would take
one of these situations personally?

Show me hands, come on.

Lots of you.

Why?

Why do we take things personally?

Somebody says
or does something and bam!

We feel hurt, neglected, offended,
betrayed by the other one.

That's what we believe, though.

It's the other person's fault.

He's responsible for what we feel.

He's the one to blame.

Now, hang on, hang on.

Who says that?

Which part of us is speaking?

[Why?]

[Ego]

It's our ego.

Our ego thinks that others
should take us into consideration.

Our ego doesn't want
to be criticized, hell no!

Our ego wants to be acknowledged:

"I'm right!"

Is this what you want?

Do you want to be right?

[Do you want to be right?]

(Sigh)

That's exhausting.

When my ego takes over,
I'm fighting all day.

I'm in a constant struggle
with the rest of the world.

And it drains my energy.

Wouldn't it be so much easier
to not take things personally?

Because then no one has power over you.

You're free.

You experience much more
harmony and connection

between you and other people.

Of course!

Because your energy
can go towards nice things

instead of endlessly battling
against the things that drive you crazy.

So the question is

do you want to be right
or do you want to be happy?

I know what some of you are thinking:

"I will make sure
I will be happy by being right."

Well, how do you do it?

How to become happy
by not taking things personally?

You are standing at the kickoff
of the match of your life,

the match by which you will learn
how to stop taking things personally.

So as a referee,
I brought my coin for the toss.

And every coin has two sides:
heads or tails.

And they stand for two strategies,

two strategies to no longer
taking things personally.

Sir, sir, good evening.

You're the captain of this huge team.

You can choose: heads or tails?

("Captain") Heads.

Okay.

You're lucky. It's heads!

Are you ready for the first strategy?

OK, here it comes.

First strategy -

It's not about me.

What do you mean it's not about me?

This sounds weird, doesn't it?

Because when I take things personally,
I'm convinced it is about me.

When I see someone is looking
at his phone, I feel offended.

I think, "Hey, I've put so much effort
and time in this presentation.

I want respect."

I think, "Me, myself and I."

Sounds familiar, no? Yeah.

But in fact, it isn't about me.

What if I try to look at it
from the other person's perspective,

asking myself,

"Why? Why is he or she
looking at his or her smartphone?"

Maybe he has just received an important
message, one he has been waiting for.

Or the topic of my presentation
is not really his cup of tea.

Could be!

Or, on the contrary,
he finds it very interesting

and he wants to take notes
on his smartphone.

Very smart to do that, by the way.

I simply need to shift my focus
from "me" to "we,"

and I won't take it personally.

If I try to see the intention
of the other one,

I make space for understanding
instead of irritation.

Does this ring a bell with you?

When you put your son to bed
but he doesn't want to,

he throws himself on the floor,
kicking and screaming "I hate you!"

Do you take that personally?

No!

No, you don't because you know
this is not about me.

It's about what he wants, what he needs.

He's angry because he just wants
to stay up a bit longer, that's all.

So the first strategy
to not take it personally is

it's not about me.

Look at the other person's intention.

When a driver is tailgating
and flashing his lights,

he probably does it
because he's in a hurry.

It's not about me, you see?

It's as simple as that.

In theory.

Because in real life,
it turns out to be a hell of a job.

Do you have any idea,
ladies and gentlemen,

how many thoughts
our brain produces a day?

50,000!

And guess how many of them are positive?

Only 10,000.

So this means that 80% of what we think
are negative thoughts.

That's a lot, isn't it?

When you see two colleagues
talking to each other,

and just then, they look at you
and they start laughing,

do you think,

"Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes
and they want them too"?

No!

Or do you think,

"Darn, they're laughing at me.

They are gossiping about me."

So it takes a lot of effort
to correct yourself and say,

"Hang on. I have no clue!

They might be laughing about something
that has nothing to do with me."

So seeing the positive intention
of the other one

requires a lot of discipline and training.

And that's why I became a referee:

to train my brain
not to take things personally.

I train my brain
an hour and a half a week,

the entire period of a match.

I say this for the football dummies.

Now, before the match, I'm warming up.

Not only physically, but also mentally.

I give myself some pep talk
in the dressing room:

"Frederik, watch out.

Lots of things will trigger you
during the game.

You're going to make decisions
who some will not agree with

and they will shout
unpleasant things at you."

So I tell myself,

"Frederik, don't take it personally.

It's not about me.

They just want to be right.

They simply want their team to win."

You see?

When I focus on the intention
of the other person,

there's no need to take it personally.

When I apply this strategy
very consciously,

I admit it, I feel much more
at ease on the field.

When the coach,
the players or the spectators

do not agree with my decisions,

I'm less easily thrown off balance.

This strategy,
ladies and gentlemen, works!

But not always, unfortunately.

Because some words they shout at me,
like here, do really hit a raw nerve:

"You're a loser. Choose another hobby!

You know what? Go fishing!"

Ouch!

Maybe they are right.

Perhaps I took the wrong decision.

Maybe I am a loser.

Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes.

Do you see this?

Every coin has a flip side.

When this first strategy -
it's not about me - doesn't work,

it simply means "It is about me!"

[It is about me.]

I have to look in the mirror
and question myself.

As a beginning referee,
I still feel insecure.

Especially me.

I never played soccer.

It is about me

because it has something to do
with my insecurity,

I doubt about myself.

Or a part of myself
that I haven't come to terms with.

Do you see my point, ladies and gentlemen?

Even if I know

that a driver is only tailgating
because he's in a hurry,

I still take it personally when he honks
or he's flashing his headlights.

So I must question myself.

Probably I was driving too slowly.

I'm aware of it.

I just don't like
that clumsy part of myself.

Why else would I
take it personally, right?

When I say,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
you are an orange,"

who would take this personally?

No one, right?

Why not?

Because nothing in you believes
that you are in fact an orange.

An orange?

Unless, of course, that you're a ginger
and you feel bad because of that.

Which is luckily not the case with me.

But - but when someone says,
"Frederik, you are so selfish."

Ouch!

I do take it personally.

And it only happens because I know
there is some truth in it.

If I'm honest,

I'm aware of the fact that I do not always
take into account other people's needs.

When you are being criticized

and it hurts,

chances are big that this
is rooted in your childhood.

Maybe as a child
you were never good enough.

When you came home with a 9 out of 10,

they said, "Hey, and why not a 10?"

You see?

We can only take things personally
if it somehow touches a raw nerve.

And that's the moment
to give yourself some empathy.

Ooh, this hurts. Darn!

I'm longing so hard for recognition,

and I feel sad if I don't get it.

You see?

And you can also - why not? - speak up.

Just tell the other one
what's going on inside you.

"Hey, I'm in the middle of my story here,

and you just walk away
to switch on the TV?

It feels as if you don't care
about my story.

It's not nice."

By opening up, by being vulnerable,

by telling what you feel
without blaming the other one,

you increase the chance
that the other one will understand you

and take your needs into account.

Do you see what I mean?

To conclude -

how not to take things personally.

One - it is not about me!

Look at the other person's intention.

If that doesn't work:

two - it is about me.

Give yourself empathy and speak up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please, pretty please,
do not take it personally,

but I really do hope that you will take
a couple of things personally

within the next hours and days.

Only if you do, you can test out
these two strategies.

Imagine, just imagine
if we could all put this in practice.

Wouldn't that enhance
our relationships enormously?

Together we could create a better world.

Wouldn't that be great?

And as a referee,
I even earn some money by it.

Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn
how not to take things personally?

Show me hands.

Show me hands.

Oh, so many.

Who still wants the 20 euros now?

Who still wants the 20 euros now?

Who still wants the 20 euros now?

And who still wants them now?

Why do you still want these 20 euros?

(Audience member)
Because it's still 20 euros!

People may attack you,
criticize you or ignore you.

They can crumple you up with their words,
spit you out or even walk all over you.

But remember:

whatever they do or say,

you will always keep your value.

Thank you.

(Applause)